WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 5-4 decision split down ideological lines, the United States Supreme Court issued an exceedingly rare “Not So Much” ruling yesterday. The order from the high court rules that Wisconsin’s governor cannot delay the state’s election, which is being held today, due to concerns about the novel coronavirus. Wisconsin’s Democratic governor had attempted to delay the Wisconsin primary election to allow absentee or mail-in ballots to be used by those who would normally vote in person, but the Supreme Court’s five conservative justices, all of whom are “pro-life” on the subject of abortion, ruled the election must go forward.
For the past several weeks, the U.S. has been fighting to contain a potentially deadly pandemic outbreak of the COVID-19 virus, and as such state governors throughout the country have issued stay at home orders, which have largely kept Americans in their homes, practicing “social distancing” from one another. Health officials are worried that forcing Wisconsinites to cloister together to vote could be disastrous for efforts to keep “flattening the curve” of infection rate within Wisconsin. Yesterday’s “Not So Much” ruling officially declares that the five conservative justices’ morals and principles do not and cannot be applied to the situation in Wisconsin.
In an even more unprecedented development, Chief Justice John Roberts agreed to answer a few questions from reporters when he was seen jogging this morning.
“Here’s the thing — the five of us who consider ourselves pro-life conservatives don’t think that applies here, hence the Not So Much ruling,” Roberts explained. “Yes, it’s morally and ideologically inconsistent. Yes, it sets up a precedent that we should be putting citizens in danger instead of making it easier for them to vote. Yes, it demonstrates how absolutely terrified of actually free and fair elections and what it means for our party and our belief system, but and I cannot express this clearly enough, fuck literally all of you, okay?”
The reporters were taken aback by Roberts’ strong and harsh tone, but he persisted.
“No, really, fuck you all. And what’re you going to do about it? We five are serving LIFETIME appointments, and the only way you can get rid of us is impeaching us,” Roberts laughed. “I presided over that Trump impeachment so-called trial, and do you really think any Republican Senators are going to get rid of the conservative Supreme Court majority that’s ensuring we force the country to be stuck in the past forever, because convincing people to vote against the modern age is how they stay in power? Oops! Did I say the quiet part out loud? Oh well, double-fuck-you, then.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) told a conservative talk radio host this morning, when told about Roberts’ comments, that he found them “highly offensive” and “unbecoming of a Supreme Court Justice.”
“Except of course if that justice is a conservative and was appointed by a Republican,” McConnell said as he rubbed a lump of coal on his genitals. “Then, I think every word they write or speak is literally the word of God, spoken through a pretentious, corporate-owned, misogynistic hypocrite. Amen. So, I happen to agree with Justice Roberts. Fuck you, America, and particularly, fuck you, Wisconsin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to rub this coal on my cock until I jizz. You’re all very welcome for that particular mental image.”\
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) issued a statement this morning, praising the Supreme Court’s ruling and declaring any Wisconsinite who doesn’t wish to die as a result of voting “probably doesn’t deserve enfranchisement.”
“Why should we let people send in mail-in ballots, anyway? Shouldn’t you be willing to get a voter ID, submit to a drug test, swear a loyalty and fealty pledge to our Dear President, get your ass tattooed with an American flag wrapped around Reagan’s dick, and vote in person,” Cruz asked in his statement. “If you’re not willing to die for your vote, what’s that vote really worth to you anyway? It’s bad enough you’re staying at home and keeping President Trump’s economy as your top priority in this time, but to not even be willing to infect yourself or others with a potentially deadly virus to vote? Sounds like you’re a cuck, and not a very good American, to me.”
Before jogging away, Justice Roberts said he had one more “message” for the American people. That’s when he took down his jogging shorts, and squatted over a piece of paper he’d taken out of them just moments before, bearing the words “liberal snowflake feelings.” Roberts made a face of strong concentration, grunted, and then squeezed out a fecal log that smelled like Fortune 500 stock prices and shame onto the piece of paper. Then, he flipped off the reporters, showed them his soiled anus, and wiped himself clean with the Trump administration’s order to start separating families at the border.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.