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Monday, June 5, 2023

Hannity Says He’d Never Need Michael Cohen’s Services Because He Blows Trump Publicly

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Yesterday it was revealed in federal court that Fox News host Sean Hannity is a client of Michael Cohen’s, who has represented President Donald Trump as his personal “fixer” attorney for years.

Cohen may have been a fixture in the Trump organization, but he didn’t become a household name until the 2016 presidential election, and now he finds himself in some very serious hot water. Last week it was revealed that Cohen has been under criminal investigation by the FBI for months, culminating in the absolutely extraordinary event of the bureau raiding his offices. The FBI ended up taking communications between Cohen and Trump, a now former RNC finance executive, and heretofore, an unknown third client. Like a bombshell, Cohen’s attorneys admitted in open court yesterday that Hannity is the third, anonymous client.

Mr. Hannity immediately went into damage control on his radio and TV shows, as well as on Twitter. In a series of tweets, Hannity tried to paint his relationship with Mr. Cohen in as minimal a light as possible. He did admit to having some conversations with Cohen about legal matters, but said he never officially retained Cohen, who helped facilitate two hush money payments on behalf of President Trump and a finance executive for the Republican National Committee.





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It’s unclear if Hannity believes he can claim attorney-client privilege while also simultaneously claiming Cohen was never his attorney. Mr. Hannity does not hold a journalism degree, however he often portrays himself as a newsman. Journalistic ethics, however, would have demanded that Hannity divulge if Mr. Cohen was his attorney, or affiliated with him in any way, when Cohen appeared on any show Hannity hosted. Mr. Hannity, declined to do so, which critics have said means he should be fired by Fox News.

On today’s radio show, Hannity waded back into the miasma of drama swirling around him to give yet another explanation of the situation to his listeners, and indeed the entire country.

“Look, I’m still working on the exact details of my legal explanation for this, but let me put it in terms we Deplorables can understand. You know, third grade vocabulary,” Hannity said. “I know what the implication of me hiring Michael is. I know what’s implied there, okay? And let me tell you all flat-out, categorically, I would never have to have that kind of relationship with Michael, regardless. Get it, liberal America? I’m not the kind of person who would have to have that kind of special relationship with Mike, okay?”

Hannity took a long drag from his tobacco vaporizer.

“I’d never need him, and you know why? For starters, I’d never take a dime from Orange Daddy for my services,” Hannity explained. “And for seconders, I blow Donald in public. In front of everyone. Five nights a week, and seven days a week on Twitter. There would be no point to him paying me to keep quiet about all the times I fellate him in front of God and the entire country.”

Another long drag from his vaporizer, and Hannity concluded the segment.

“So as they say in the great game of chess, which President Trump and I play sixteenth dimensionally, let me just say,” Hannity quipped, “Chex mix, libtards. Chex. Mix.”

Representatives from the White House or Michael Cohen’s attorneys could not be reached for comment.

James‘ satire is also found on:
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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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