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Monday, June 5, 2023

Report: The Secret Service Will Lead Trump Out of White House Using French Fry Trail

Getting President Donald Trump to accept that he lost last month’s election has proven to be quite difficult. Getting him to leave the White House after Joe Biden is sworn-in might end up being even more difficult. However, new reporting from sister publication The Pastiche Post indicates that the Secret Service has begun work on a strategy they think will help remove Trump from the Oval Office.

“We have begun contacting all the McDonald’s restaurants within a 500 mile radius, and have begged them to send us as many boxes, bags, or crates of french fries as they can possibly spare,” Secret Service spokesperson Sharon Monroe told reporters this morning. “Our initial plan would be simply lead a trail out of the Oval Office, out onto the White House lawn, into an awaiting limo, and then that limo would drive him to the airport so he could be put on a plane and taken somewhere far, far away from the White House.” (Pastiche Post)

The Secret Service wasn’t sure how many fries they’d need for the trail, however.

“The fact is that the president is a bit of a dotard, and gets lost from the bed to the bathroom at night,” Monroe indicated, “so we’re thinking we may need to just walk a few paces ahead of him, laying a trail of fries like you lay a trail of rose petals before a king or bride’s feet. That way, if he just constantly follows his nose, we should be able to lead him right onto the airplane, if necessary, and any fries that remain could be his in-flight meal.” (Pastiche Post)

Even if leading Trump out by his nose using a trail of fries doesn’t get the job done, the Secret Service still thinks they’ll be able to get him to leave using one of their contingency plans.

“We’ve thought about maybe getting a cardboard cutout made of one of Ivanka’s lingerie photoshoots and putting in Marine One,” Monroe announced. “Thinking maybe he’d not be able to stop himself from rushing out to her at that point. Or maybe we can just have Putin call him and tell him it’s time to go. Everyone has to listen to their boss when he calls them.” (Pastiche Post)

Donald Trump will no longer be president in less than 30 days.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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