WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, congressional janitorial staff is still laboriously scrubbing the floor, chair, desk, and any surface in the Senate hearing room that Attorney General William Barr occupied while he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee today. Apparently, Barr left a “slime trail” everywhere he went today, and crews are having difficulty getting the slime cleared up.
“Attorney General Barr spent about three hours in the Senate hearing today, and most Americans could hear and see the slimy stuff coming out of his mouth, but he also left a slime trail on every surface he came into contact with,” Chief Senatorial Janitor Sherman T. William told us. “It’s so bad, the slime is so thick, we may have to burn the entire rotunda down to be rid of it.”
Mr. William says that he and his team were expecting there to be “at least some cleanup” after Barr’s testimony, given what Mr. Barr is.
“What else do slugs leave behind but slime,” William asked rhetorically. “We absolutely expected there to be at least some cleanup. But we weren’t in any way, shape, or form prepared for the voluminous amount of it there was, and we were assured that the majority of it would remain inside his shell for the duration of the hearing. I guess Bill Barr just can’t help but be slimy, but it would’ve been considerate of him to bring his own paper towels.”
It doesn’t help the situation that Barr “was given so many chance to slime the place up,” Mr. William asserts.
“Every time one of the Republicans in the room shared a smarmy laugh, or or smiled back and forth when they talked about how they should be investigating the investigators, that was just a chance for Barr to heap more slime on everything,” William said. “Each and every time Barr chose to hyperfocus on one word in a question, and split hairs so thin they belonged on his boss’s obvious combover head.”
Sherman says, however, that he’s not without people he can call in for assistance.
“This is definitely not the first time Barr has slimed up the joint. After the Iran Contra mess, it took the cleaning crew sixteen hours to get all his slime out of there,” Mr. William told us. “So I called the guys who were on the cleanup crew back then and they said they used a lot of Shout and elbow grease. So, well, that’s what we’re doing now.”
Mr. Barr could not be reached for comment, because his staff his mouth was too full of the president at the time to give a coherent, pedantic, hair splitting, insulting, smug answer at the time of publication.
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.