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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Sessions Blasts Bolton: “Some Of Us Were Too Busy Sucking Trump Off To Write Down The Illegal Things He Did!”

SISTERFUHKER, ALABAMA — Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions is not a fan of John Bolton’s upcoming memoir of his time in the Trump administration. Excerpts of the book reviewed by The Failing New York Times reveal that Bolton claims he was told directly by President Donald J. Trump to withhold over 300 million dollars in vital military aid to Ukraine on the condition of politically-motivated investigations into former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. Although Trump’s former Chief of Staff General John Kelly has stated he believes Bolton’s account, and said it certainly opens the door for his testimony in Trump’s ongoing impeachment trial in the Senate, Sessions took to Twitter and blasted Bolton for even writing the book.

In a series of tweets, Sessions first heaped criticism on Bolton because he himself “did not write a book or go on CNN or criticize” President Trump. Sessions said it’s not “the honorable thing to do” and that as an administration official, one is “there to serve [the president’s] agenda, not your own.” Sessions reminded Bolton that Trump “was elected, not you.”

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Sessions further harangued Bolton for what he called an “act of disloyalty” to the president. Sessions, a former Senator from the State of Alabama is running to reclaim his seat from Democratic incumbent Doug Jones. Mr. Sessions tweeted that “very damaging and dangerous” precedent has been set by Bolton’s book, and defended a president’s “ability to have candid conversations” his staff.

Today, Mr. Sessions was on the trail in the Yellowhammer State, drumming up support for his return to the Senate. At a campaign stop hosted by a local quick service seafood restaurant, Sessions dug in on Bolton some more. Alabama is about as red a state as one can find on the map, and perhaps the former attorney general sensed he could score some points with the crowd by defending Trump vigorously. Whatever his reasoning, Sessions doubled-down on his rhetoric, and explained why he can separate himself from Bolton, despite both men being fired by Trump after being publicly humiliated and insulted by the president on Twitter and elsewhere.

“Now, let me just first say, I deserved it, okay? I deserved every bit of meanness, animosity, and trolling heaped on me be our commander in chief,” Sessions said, “because obviously I’m a lowdown dirty piece of shit, and the president in his great wisdom saw that, and made me, and the whole world aware of it. I suspect John Bolton deserved it too, and frankly, I would support him being brought up on charges of spying, espionage, and treason for his actions. Writing a book? How dare he?”

Sessions explained that he himself might have witnessed “numerous illegal acts and suggestions” while in the Trump administration, but that out of loyalty and “logistics” he chose not to write any of them down, even though he could have made himself a “few million bucks like Bolton.” 

“You know, I just don’t get how John had the time to do it. How did he find the time to serve this president fully and completely and still write down all the illegal stuff,” Sessions demanded to know. “Because some of us were too busy sucking Trump off to write down the illegal things he did! Some of us, I guess, actually took our oaths seriously. I’m not talking about our oaths to defend the Constitution. Don’t mistake us for cucks! I’m talking about our oath of loyalty, fealty, and most important of blowjobs to completion. We all put our hands on that bible and swore to swallow the president’s load at his discretion!”

Sessions told the crowd he was sad he couldn’t be in Washington to ask questions during Trump’s impeachment trial. However, he gave them a preview of the kinds of questions he’d ask. Mostly, he said, he’d ask the president’s team why Trump was so perfect, how America got so lucky as to have him for a president, and if they thought he should be allowed to be president until he dies, at which point the presidency would be handed off to one of his kids. However, Sessions said there was one question he’d love to ask House Impeachment Manager Adam Schiff.

“I’d ask that sonofabitch one question, just one,” Sessions said. “I’d ask him why he’s a cuck. Just, point blank. Why are you such a cuck, Adam Schiff? He’s clearly a cuck. Look at him. Anyone who doesn’t bend down and kiss Trump’s ass, or better yet, put that totally normal shaped and sized genital hang down unit he’s got in his trousers in his mouth is clearly a cuck of epic proportions, and frankly I think Schiff should be run out of town on a rail, tarred, feathered, and treated like we used to be able to treat, you know, URBANS who got all uppity on us? Just a thought, fam! See you all in November, I hope!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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