64.2 F
Los Angeles
Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Sha’Carri Richardson Suspended After Testing Positive for Snack Enhancing Drug

Olympic sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson will miss her signature 100-meter dash event at the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, now that she’s been suspended. Ms. Richardson’s suspension was handed down today, after she tested positive for a “prohibited snack enhancing drug,” according to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency in a new press release.

Richardson, in a TV interview this morning, explained that she turned to cannabis to help her through the emotional and mental anguish of the passing of her mother. Ms. Richardson took responsibility for her actions.

“That sent me in a state of emotional panic, if anything…even though, I’m here, I still have to go out to put a performance for my dream,” she said. (CBS News)

Despite the reduced stigma that cannabis has seen over the past couple of decades, the USADA still has a zero tolerance policy for it. Recreational pot is even legal in Ms. Richardson’s state, however those laws do not spare her from the USADA’s punishment. Across most of the fifty states, marijuana has been legalized at least medicinally, and each year more and more are making it legal for any adult 21 years of age or older to consume cannabis.

USADA Deputy Chief of Communications Sally Susan Tomjonavich defended the suspesions today on NBC.

“We simply cannot let some athletes have an unfair advantage over others. If strawberries and beef jerky are tasting extra yummy to Ms. Richardson,” Tomjonavich said, “then it would only be fair if everyone else was on her same wavelength.”

While there are no recorded instances of cannabis helping any athlete run faster, chemist Yvette Ross told us that there have been “many studies that point to the overall yumminess and savor-tasticacity of munchies” being improved with cannabis.

“I can’t say for certain there’s a reason chemically-speaking for it, but most people who partake report that food tastes super-duper good afterward,” Ross told our reporter. “And of course everyone knows that Funyuns were created in 1947 in a government lab specifically to test the snack enhancement properties of weed.”

“There’s really no reason to suspect cannabis is a performance enhancing drug for a sprinter,” Ross posted to her Facebook page in a discussion of Richardson’s situation. “At best, perhaps a middle of the pack endurance runner with a bad back who’s trying to shake a few minutes off their marathon PR? They might get a small boost from the pain relief. There are some small studies that suggest potential for how it could enhance/hurt performance, but the balance of evidence says it really doesn’t do anything to help you on game day.”

The National Union of Coppers, one of the largest police unions in the country, reported zero domestic disturbances involving stoned spouses. They also reported no murders committed by people who had “just taken a big fat bong rip,” as well as a 0.0% increase in violent crimes committed “shortly after sparking a dooby with your friends.”

“We did get a small uptick in reports from our member squads that they all got a few more dozen urgent calls when their local Taco Bell took Mexican Pizzas off their menus,” NCU President Burt Thompson told us. “But all in all, we can’t point to cannabis as a major driver of any kind of crime, unless we’re talking about the confederate states, where it’s still a crime to have or use it, of course.”

- Advertisement -spot_imgspot_img
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
- Advertisement -spot_img
Related news
- Advertisement -spot_img

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.