WASHINGTON, D.C. — Throughout his presidency, President Donald Trump has tried to maintain an air of civility, comity, and bipartisan teamwork among all three branches of government, even with others who aren’t his political supporters. Experts note he’s been as successful at doing so as he was at running a university, selling steaks, and operating a casino. Whether it’s his re-election campaign, a sudden case of really terrible gas, or a combination of the two, it would appear that at least some of the bloom is off that rose, and the president who most would describe as “even keeled,” or “rational” has started to lash out at people he feels aren’t loyal to him and his administration.
After Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote a withering critique of the Trump Administration in a dissenting opinion last week, Trump took to Twitter and blasted the justice. The president suggested that Sotomayor and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg — whose name he didn’t bother to spell correctly — are too biased against him and they should recuse themselves from any case that involves him or his presidency.
….on all Trump, or Trump related, matters! While “elections have consequences”, I only ask for fairness, especially when it comes to decisions made by the United States Supreme Court!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 25, 2020
Sources are now saying that in an inter-SCOTUS email chain sent between the nine judges on the high court’s bench, Sotomayor and Ginsburg wave away Trump’s request to recuse themselves. The two female justices also elucidated their own request to the president, should they be given the opportunity to bend his ear in private.
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“How about instead of us recusing ourselves,” Sotomayor’s email says, “he recuse himself. He should recuse himself from all matters and cases that involve the United States of America. He’s clearly not advocating on the behalf of the country. He’s first, foremost, and always only on his own side. Then, he seems to somehow, magically, find his way onto the side of Putin, or any other fascist authoritarian with the power to grant Trump rights to build his hotels in their countries. So, really, everyone needs to ask, whose side is Don on, anyway?”
Ginsburg replied to Sotomayor’s email with a string of laughing emoji faces and suggested a few more cases the president could recuse himself from.
“Also, any cases involving money laundering, tax fraud, charity fraud, not wanting to fuck your own children,” Ginsburg wrote, “he should probably strongly consider recusing himself from any cases that come before us that have to deal with those things.”
Reportedly, Justice Brett Kavanaugh raised strong objections to the emails once he woke up hungover, around noon, and checked his iPhone.
“Ladies, ladies, please. First of off, why is everyone working so early on a Monday, some of us need a little hair of the dog before we start work,” Kavanaugh wrote. “Also, you’re forgetting your place. Sure, we’re a coequal branch of government, but he’s a man, and you’re females. God’s natural plan is that you are to be subservient to him. I hereby immediately demand you apologize for your transgressions against a male, and also that one of you fetch me a Budweiser, because I like beer, okay?! I LIKE BEER!”
The White House was provided a copy of the email chain by Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Sphincter). Congressman Nunes told reporters he “just so happened to obtain” a copy of the emails. He knew he had to get them to Trump “right away” and so he rushed over to the White House and delivered them, though Trump is out of the country in India, so Nunes left the emails with the administration’s lead crypt keeper.
“We have the emails, and frankly they’re disgusting,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters. “I’m glad Congressman Nunes brought them to our attention. How dare these women have feelings and opinions that could our dear president’s ego. Frankly, they shouldn’t just recuse themselves, they should be indicted, prosecuted, and impeached from the bench. Such horrible women, having opinions that align with roughly 60% of the rest of Americans!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.