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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Trump’s Space Force Laser Guns Will Go “Pee! Pee!” Instead of “Pew! Pew!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has changed his mind, and instead of going “pew pew,” the laser blasters used by his new Space Force will have to make a noise that sounds like, “pee pee” instead.

“I don’t know, I just have always liked pee pee,” Trump said. “I just like the way it sounds. The way it feels, you know?”

Trump continued.

“Yup, I gotta say, when people are asked about President Lord Emperor Donny Trump the first thing most of them will think of is PP,” Trump said. “Because that stands for Personally President. Which I happen to be. I’m personally president, at least when Vlad says I can be! That’s pretty neat-o pa-deeto if you ask me, fam.”

Initially, Trump had decided that his laser guns simply had to go “pew! pew!” However, he says it didn’t take him long to figure out he wanted to “tweak that” and make it more reflective of his own personality and presidency.

“Just think about it, if it has to do with Donald Trump, you’re probably going to think about the situation you’re in,” Trump said. “And with me, you’re in something. Always.”

Mr Trump says he briefly considered one other sound for Space Force’s laser guns to make.

“Piss piss! How fun would that be,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Or, I guess they could just go, ‘Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss’ for short, couldn’t they? Now if you’ll excuse me all this talk has given me quite the two-incher if you know what I mean.”

This story is developing.


James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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