Denmark Says Greenland Will Be For Sale When Donald Trump Jr. Can Spell It

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the fact that it was a day that ended in “Y,” President Donald Trump got into yet another dust up with an ally of the United States in the last couple of days, all over whether or not the country of Greenland is for sale. 

Greenland is a mostly autonomous country, however it is owned by Denmark. Legally, if Greenland wanted to join the United States, they could, and Denmark could technically sell the country to the U.S., however as quickly as Trump proposed the sale of Greenland, it was squashed by several Danish officials. It would appear that being rebuffed on his proposal has upset the most powerful man in the world, and he used Twitter last night to abruptly cancel an upcoming state visit to Denmark.

While it is apparent that Mr. Trump is pretty upset at being widely mocked for his proposal, the government of Denmark is also willing to at least extend an olive branch to the famously cantankerous alleged billionaire. In a letter written to the president, the Danish government is offering to put Greenland on the market one day. However, there is a catch.

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“Mr. President, the Danish people thank you for your kind offer to eventually stiff us on the bill for Greenland, however we simply must decline, and we hope you can understand,” the letter to Trump states, “However, that does not mean that Greeland will never go up for sale. In fact, we can promise you that one day we will put it on the market, and you’ll be the first one who gets to submit a bid for it, provided of course your son, Donald Jr, can actually spell it. As your third most intelligent son, we think he’s up for the job, but it’s your call, Mr. President.”

Reportedly, an excited Trump told his secretary to put him on the phone with “someone in charge in Denmark.” When a deputy junior prime minister came on the line, Trump pelted her with questions about the letter.

“Hey, Danish lady, quick question for you,” Trump began, “First of off, can you send me some breakfast pastries? I’ve never tried a danish from Denmark. A Danish danish sounds amazing, frankly. Next of off, what does my son have to spell, exactly?”

Trump listened intently.

“Oh, he has to spell Greenland? But that’s…that’s two syllables! Come on now,” Trump bargained, “Nobody is that smart! I’m a stable genius and even I can’t handle spelling words with two completely different syllables in them! That’s just plain crazy, and you know it! How about I trade you Eric for Greenland instead? Hell, maybe then he’ll learn his colors.”

As much as Trump tried, however, he couldn’t get Denmark to back down from their offer. His son would have to correctly spell the name of the country he wanted to buy before it would go on the market. Growing frustrated, Trump tried a negotiating tactic he’s used his entire life.

“BUT I WANT IT! I WANT GREENLAND,” Trump begged, “AND I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT! MOMMY SAID THAT TO ME! WE ARE RICH AND WHITE! DO HEAR ME?! RICH. AND. WHITE.”

Denmark’s offer stood. Trump hung up angrily. The next thing he did was summon his son, Donald Jr., to the Oval Office. Donald Jr. had been sitting outside the Oval Office with a glass to the door per his usual, so it didn’t take him long to arrive, smiling at his father.

“Yes Diddums? How can I be your favorite son,” Donald Jr. asked.

The president smiled.

“Junior, can you spell Greenland for Diddums,” the president asked. 

The president’s son hesitated. He could clearly be seen trying to figure out if he could spell the word his dad asked him to. Not wanting to incur his father’s wrath, he gave it a try.

“Greenland. G-R-E-A-N-,” Junior began.

President Trump put his sizable head in his un-sizable hands.

“Goddamnit,” the president uttered, “no Greenland for me. The ONE abortion I don’t pay for, and now he’s costing me Greenland.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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