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Monday, June 5, 2023

Starbucks Unveils Hanukkah, Kwanza, Church of Satan Holiday Cups

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Howard Schultz, chairman and CEO of Starbucks, held a press conference early Monday afternoon to debut three new holiday cups that will start making their way to the coffee monolith’s stores this week. During the presser, Schultz acknowledged the outrage among some evangelical Christians that Starbucks’ holiday cups last year were simple and red with the company’s logo with no mention of Christmas.

“Yes, it’s unfortunate that we’ve angered them by taking away one of the approximately 2.3 million retailers who constantly bombard consumers with Christmas-themed messaging,” Schultz said, “but we hope they’ll be suitably impressed with our new line of holiday cups as well.”

Citing a desire to “be more inclusive, no matter what certain Fundamentalists might say,” Schultz unveiled a Hanukkah, Kwanza and Church of Satan version of each Starbucks holiday cup. “These cups will make their way to our stores this week, so no matter what you celebrate, you’ll be in the festive mood after paying $12.99 for one cup of coffee.” Mr. Schultz said that he hopes “angry Christians will heed what their Bible says and come to the holiday season with a spirit of grace and forgiveness” and that they’ll “hoist back a $22.00 cup of coffee with their Jewish, black, or Satan worshiping friends” at their nearby Starbucks.

RELATED: Christian Man Refuses To Put Quarter In Homeless Man’s Starbucks “Holiday” Cup

“Starbucks has always had a very inclusive corporate atmosphere,” Schultz said of the controversy over the standard holiday cups as well as the newly minted ones, “so I’m not really sure why all the Christians are suddenly up in arms. I mean, we are big supporters of marriage equality and we have a policy of no guns in our stores. So you’d think that eventually they’ll either all get the hint or go start a Christian-owned coffee company…Koffee-Fil-A or whatever the shit. But in the meantime, I hope they’ll stop getting shocked every time we do something that doesn’t coddle their conservative beliefs.”

Schultz said the additional coffee cups were designed in-house by various employees who are either black, Jewish, or worship Satan. “You know it’s funny, the Jewish employees, the black employees and the Satan worshiping employees would collaborate on each other’s cups, and they’d all be laughing and having a good time,” Mr. Schultz told reporters, “and then over in a corner, all alone, were the Christians working on their own cups. I don’t know what that says or anything, but just you know, thought I’d toss that out there.”

The new cups are expected to do well in non-rural, blue states, but Schultz thinks “most people will get where Starbucks is coming from on this” and “pony up their $56.50 for their cup of coffee and be on their way.”

Some more satire:

McDonald’s Introduces the McManafort Nothingburger, Which Is Huge and Served With Russian Dressing

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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