WASHINGTON, D.C. — The president’s Senior White Power Adviser has announced that he is completely immune to the novel coronavirus threatening a pandemic outbreak in the United States, at least in its current human mutation. Stephen Miller stood behind the podium in the White House press briefing room and told reporters he’d be joining Vice President High Priest Mike Pence’s specially formed coronavirus response team after doctors confirmed that as a non-human entity, he couldn’t be infected with the strain of the virus that so far has forced Italy to all but shut down, parked a cruise ship in California’s northern bay area, and wreaked havoc throughout several Asian countries.
“It turns out, since I’m an undead Nazi vampire cunt, I’m completely safe from the human version of coronavirus,” Miller said smugly. “That makes me the perfect candidate to join Father Pence’s response team. I look forward to helping him identify brown people to round up and send to camps on suspicion of being carriers of the coronavirus.”
Miller, who has been the engine behind some of the Trump administration’s most controversial immigration proposals and policies, told reporters that he was feeling “quite good” and not showing any symptoms. However, President Trump is a well-known germaphobe, and ordered that anyone who comes in contact with him on a frequent basis receive a coronavirus test. Miller said the day he went to have his test done, the lab’s waiting room was filled with familiar faces.
“I saw Devin Nunes there, and Lindsey Graham, and Matt Gaetz too,” Miller divulged. “It was like being right up under the president’s ball sack again, all of us fighting for attention and a chance to be the one to lick his taint next. I would say, without a doubt, that is one of the greatest feelings in life, licking presidential taint. Guess who will never get to do that? Hillary Clinton’s staff. BOOM! MIC DROP, MILLER STYLE!”
Miller pantomimed dropping a microphone.
Pence, whose chief of staff just married Miller last month, said he’s “honored and privileged” to bring the president’s speechwriter and racism adviser onto the coronavirus team.
“Many people don’t realize this, but Stephen’s head is so perfectly smooth and round that you can draw a very realistic globe of the Earth on it,” Pence announced. “So our first task will be to turn Stephen’s pate into a fully to scale map of the entire world, which we’ll use to chart outbreaks in every country we can.”
As safe as he feels now, Miller acknowledged that things can “change rapidly” and said if the coronavirus mutates, he’ll take the necessary precautions.
“There’s no doubt I’m feeling incredibly grateful for being a non-human shit golem right now,” Miller said, “Things don’t always stay so easy, though, and viruses can mutate quickly. If this thing mutates into the form that can infect pieces of shit and/or Nazi vampire cunts, I’ll be the first to self-quarantine.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.