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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Stormy Daniels Agrees: Donald Trump Doesn’t Do Cover-Ups

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions are flaring like never before between Congressional Democrats and President Donald Trump.

This morning, a meeting between Trump, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on infrastructure blew up before it really started because Trump was insulted that just an hour or so before the meeting Pelosi had said she believes the president is “engaged in a cover-up.” Shortly after Trump stormed out of the meeting, he held a Rose Garden press conference. Affixed to the lectern was a big sign with various facts of the Mueller Report printed on it; facts that the president believes portrays his innocence. Trump also denied the allegations of a cover-up.

“Instead of walking in happily into a meeting, I walk into, look at people that have just said that I was doing a cover-up,” Trump said. “I don’t do cover-ups.” (CNN)

Some critics of the president were quick to point out that Mueller’s report specifically documents more than ten different instances when Trump tried to cover-up and stall or end the probe entirely. Others have pointed to the bombshell New York Times report that Trump lost over a billion dollars in business between the mid-1980’s and mid-1990’s and has been covering up that fact by not releasing his tax returns. But one woman is coming to Trump’s defense, and it’s perhaps a little surprising.

“Of course Don doesn’t do the cover-ups; that’s what his lawyers are for,” Stormy Daniels told reporters as she came out of her rectal bleaching appointment this morning. “I mean, that’s kind of the whole damn point about having ‘Fixer’ isn’t it? He’s the one that fixes things and does the cover-ups, and Don’s the guy who scrawls his John Hanmushroomcock on the check.”

Ms. Daniels famously was paid money by Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen to stay quiet about the sexual affair she had with the president before he was in office. The affair took place at about the time that Kinda First Lady Melania Trump was pregnant with Trump’s son Barron. The payments came as the 2016 presidential election was winding down, and the scheme was uncovered as part of the Mueller investigation.

“John Barron, David Dennison, and the President of Puerto Rico though? They might do cover-ups,” Daniels said.

Reached for comment, Mr. Trump said he was “bigly honored and pleased” that Daniels backed up his claim that he doesn’t do cover-ups.

“The only covering up here is bronzer over my yellow, jaundiced skin,” Trump said. “Oh, and the hair thing. My hair is a literal cover-up and has been for decades. But other than that I don’t cover things up okay? I lie. I distort the truth. I say things that aren’t factual. But I do not cover up! I am proud of everything I do, even, NO!, especially the stuff you libtarded fake news jerk-mouth Democrats say I shouldn’t, okay? So, neener neener on all of you! NEENER NEENER!”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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