SPRINGFIELD, MARYLAND — A scientific study conducted by Maryland State University has revealed that 92% of those who voted for Donald J. Trump in the 2016 presidential election have shoe sizes that are larger than their IQ.
The study was conducted over the time period between when Trump announced his presidency and when Trump was announced the victor in last year’s hotly contested election. According to Dr. Herschel Abrams, who led the study, results like these have never been so conclusive. Dr. Abrams says he and his fellow biology professors at MSU had always heard from either side of the political divide in this country that there was a correlation between party affiliation and IQ, but this study proves more conclusively than ever that no matter which party one belongs to, voting for Trump is near sure-fire sign of an IQ lower than one’s shoe size.
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“No matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, state of residence, or any other external factor we controlled for,” Dr. Abrams told reporters at the press conference announcing the study results, “if they voted for Trump and we measured their shoe size, it always came back higher than their IQ test score did.”
In one instance, Dr. Abrams said a voter said they were going to vote for Trump, their shoe size was confirmed as being higher than their IQ. Two weeks later, the same voter said they’d changed their mind and decided they’d rather vote for a literal bag of sharts instead, and when their IQ test was re-administered it had gone up by more than 75 points. Abrams said he has no scientific explanation for why their IQ went up, just that comparing it before and after they declared themselves Trump supporters showed a “marked difference.”
Dr. Abrams was asked to address the 8% of Trump supporters whose shoe size did not dwarf their IQ level.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Abrams said, “those people literally had no feet. So even if their IQ was 25 — and we had sixteen Trump fans whose IQ was at or below that level — it would be higher than their shoe size, which is of course zero. The correlation between footless people and Trump fans can be pretty easily seen when you control for diabetes, or diabeetus if you’re speaking Red Statian.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Trump said he’s “so fuckin’ hugely proud of all” his supporters, “even the tremendously uneducated and just plain stupid ones.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.