Surgeon General: Teens and Pregnant Women Should Avoid Cannabis and Driving Cars Off Bridges

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Surgeon General issued a warning to Americans this week, urging adolescents and pregnant women to avoid ingesting cannabis and/or driving their cars off bridges.

“In the interest of reiterating obvious as hell warnings about very common sense things, I must warn all adolescents and expectant mothers to avoid both marijuana usage and driving their cars off the nearest bridge,” Surgeon General Jerome Adams told reporters at a press conference, “because I must say, both are pretty bad for your health, guys.”

Adams’ warning comes as more and more states are decriminalizing both medical and recreational cannabis use and possession. As civil liberties groups work to release Americans for marijuana-related offenses, Adams has been sounding the alarm about weed. But this morning he said that he “could not in good conscience ignore the tandem threat” of teens and pregnant women driving their cars off bridges.

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“I just can’t do my job unless I’m saying very common sense things in a scary way, right? I mean, this ain’t your bridge, folks,” Adams said. “We’ve built taller, higher bridges in the last generation or so. You won’t just be plummeting to your death like always. You’ll plummet much faster and farther. Sure, what I’m saying here hasn’t changed in the last 100 years, and yes we’ve known forever that teens and pregnant women should avoid pretty much all drugs, but I need to make sure we stay unnecessarily more afraid of one vice over the other, you see.”

Surgeon General Adams did admit that it’s never really been a good thing for kids with developing brains to smoke pot. He also admitted that whether the THC potency in cannabis has generally risen over the last several decades, it was never encouraged that kids or pregnant women should partake in it. But that doesn’t mean he won’t “reiterate the fear mongering of years past.”

“Of course it makes just as much sense for pregnant women to avoid booze as it does weed, and sure, it seems like pointless fear mongering to reiterate such a no-brainer concept as keeping pregnant women and teens away from drugs that can be harmful to them or the fetus,” Adams said, “but I won’t just sit back and let society figure out healthier ways to deal with chemical dependency without also reminding people how important it is to stigmatize one drug over the other, particularly when that certain drug is marijuana.”

Before wrapping the presser, Mr. Adams gave a quick update on the total number of pot-induced fatalities and overdoses.

“I have devastating and alarming news to report,” Adams began. “The total number of pot related overdoses skyrocketed by 1,000,000% last year. That means it went from a disastrous zero people in 2017 to a truly tragic nobody last year. I think those stats speak for themselves, but also bear witness to why we must be far more afraid of it than alcohol or tobacco.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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