KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban are a far-right, deeply religiously fanatical group of people willing to use the threat of violence to cow their country’s populace into submitting to their theocratic rule. In many ways, sources say, they believe these facts perfectly position their organization to poach away American women from the United States, namely those from Texas, and all they have to do is be just slightly less draconian and esoteric in their patriarchal tyranny of women.
“Don’t get it twisted — we still very much so believe that women are inferior, and that God, by design, wanted men to dominate them,” Taliban leader Ali al-Anwar told reporters this morning. “We just realized that all we have to do is allow them to get an abortion if they are raped, and we will technically be more progressive than our Texan counterparts.”
al-Anwar said that he and the rest of the Taliban leadership didn’t always think being slightly less regressive toward women was the way to go. A few of the members of the leadership group suggested another alternative to lure women over.
“What if we just merge with the Texas zealots? Some folks suggested it might be easier to do that, given how much we have in common,” the Taliban leader said. “It would be like if Coke and Pepsi merged and started poisoning women for having the gall to want the control over making a child as we dick-havers get. Ultimately, we decided that the Americans might not be able to get over their Islamaphobia enough to partner with us, and we decided weakening our abortion laws just enough to say rape victims have an exception would be the way to go.”
Sen. Ted Cruz, who used to represent Texas before deciding he’d rather be the Senator for Cancun, blasted the Taliban for its efforts to convince women to leave the Lone Star state.
“This is so nefarious and evil it sounds like something Republicans would pass in the dead of night, and it’s just so beyond rude to do stuff we’d do, but to us,” Cruz whined. “I may admire the Taliban’s pluck, tenacity, and commitment to using an invisible man in the sky to defend human rights violations, but they should stick to their own puss-havers, and leave our puss-havers alone!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.