The Holiest of Holes Sexual Pleasure Device Company has announced a recall on one of its most popular sex aides, the Tammy Lahren Sex Doll. In a press release, the company that caters to Christian conservatives who also have a penchant for masturbatory activities, Holiest of Holes says they are “regretfully but dutifully” pulling the Lahren sex doll off the market because of an “avalanche of customer complaints and more than fifteen dozen reported emergency room trips.”
“Unfortunately, The Holiest of Holes Sexual Pleasure Device Company of Rochester New York must announce at this time that we are recalling every Tammy Lahren Sex Doll we have ever sold,” the press release states, “and will be offering customers a full refund for the price they paid for their sex doll.”
According to the press release, the issue with the Lahren line of dolls rests within the motor that runs the mouth hole. The Lahren was designed with “realistic mouth movement” features that the Holiest of Holes says was supposed to “give the customer a very realistic oral experience.” However, within days of release, it was obvious that something was wrong with the servos and motors in the mouth region of the doll’s components.
“As it turns out, the Lahren Doll’s mouth never, ever stops flapping, like at all,” Holiest of Holes CEO Glen Lenman told investors during a conference call, “and while we initially thought programming it to run a constant spew of dog whistle racism and truly, outright stupid things like comparing Black Lives Matters to the KKK would be an additional turn on for our customers, the simple truth is that a lot of them have gotten their dicks caught in the doll’s mouth, and it just keeps smashing and smashing and smashing their penises.”
By volume, Lenman says it’s “not a lot of bruised dick meat we’re talking about here.” But despite the average penis length of a Lahren fan being on the small side, Lenman says he knows his company could not “turn a blind eye” to the penile carnage.
“We realized, this isn’t a mass shooting, people will actually care about stopping this from happening again,” Lenman stated. “When one or two people get penis injuries it’s one thing, but your doll can only bite so many rednecks’ dicks off before you have to do something about it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”