WASHINGTON, D.C. — The crack smoke issuing forth from Qongresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s office subsided just before the freshman representative out of Georgia held a press this morning. Her tinfoil helmet firmly in place, Ms. Taylor Greene removed her feedbag and stepped up to a podium to deliver remarks with a somber, but still completely unhinged tone.
“My fellow Q-Americans, it is with a somber, heavy heart that I make this announcement,” Qongresswoman Taylor Greene began. “This morning, as I was awaiting the receipt of a dozen donuts that I had just purchased for my staff, I was shocked and stunned to find out that the man in charge of glazing at this particular shop is Jewish, but they don’t advertise that fact at all. In fact, they hide it.”
Greene stopped to take a big drag off her trusty crack pipe.
“You heard it from me here first, folks. Mike’s Donut Shop, which is located right here, in our nation’s own breached capitol,” Greene said, more crack smoke billowing out from her lips, “employs a Secret Jewish Glazer!”
Rep. Taylor Greene then demanded that the House launch an immediate investigation not only into Mike’s Donut Shop, but into all the donut shops around the country. It’s unclear just how she was able to determine that the glazer who works at Mike’s Donuts is Jewish, and Qongresswoman Greene offered no evidence to back her claims up. However, she did also announce that she had retained the services of “the country’s most honest and trustworthy attorney” to handle her own, private investigation into the situation.
“Sidney Powell — you know, the rat faced scarecrow that tried to subvert American democracy? Well, she’s my lawyer on this,” Taylor Greene cackled. “So you better believe that if ANTEEFA, or BEE ELL EMM or any of those socialist commie cuck soyboy beta never-Trumper donut shops are hiding more Secret Jewish Glazers, Sid will be right on top of that, just like she was right on top of knowing that Hugo Chavez and Saul Alinsky hired Al Capone to kidnap votes from our former Dear President!”
Mike’s Donut Shop could not be reached for comment before publication.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.