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Saturday, January 28, 2023

Ted Cruz Fell Asleep During Biden’s Speech and Had a Nightmare That People Actually Like Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During President Joe Biden’s first joint address to Congress last night, nobody expected elected Republicans to like much of what the president had to say. Since taking office after refusing to accept the results of former President Trump’s attempt coup, Republicans have been more and more combative with Biden.

What nobody might have predicted, however, was that cameras would catch one of the most performative and ever-present Republicans literally falling asleep during Biden’s address. That’s exactly what happened to Senator Ted Cruz (Q-TX), however. During one point in the speech, a sweaty and masked Cruz was seen visibly nodding off.

MORE: POLICE CHIEF: CHAUVIN VERDICT PROVES ‘THE SYSTEM WORKS AT LEAST .000000000001% OF THE TIME’

This morning, Cruz told Fox News he found Biden’s speech “boring” but also “radical.” Cruz then appeared on OAN and told anchor and Pizzagate truther Jack Posobiec that when he briefly fell asleep last night, he had “one of the worst nightmares” he’s ever had. Cruz dreamed that he was a “well liked and respected human being.”

“Oh God! Jack, it was the worst. First of all, some other woman was, like, playing Heidi, my wife, and she wasn’t even ugly,” Cruz said, horror and shock in his voice. “That’s how I knew I must have been having a bad dream. But I wasn’t sure of it until I started noticing that people in my dream weren’t running away from me in terror when they saw me coming. Nobody ever willingly hangs out with me in real life, so I knew something had to be up.”

Cruz told Posobiec in his nightmare “up was down and down was up.”

“At one point I dreamed that I had fished a booger out of my mouth and ate it. Instead of it tasting good like usual though,” Cruz relayed, “it tasted like, well, a booger! And I didn’t like that Jack, I didn’t like that all.”

MORE: MCCONNELL: “WE DIDN’T PACK THE COURT, WE CHANGED THE RULES TO FORCE MORE CONSERVATIVES ONTO IT”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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