FORT CHINGAR PRIMA, TENNESSEE — The Tennessee state legislature has joined Georgia, Ohio, Missouri, and Alabama and passed an extremely restrictive abortion restriction through its judiciary committee, and expects to have a law on the governor’s desk to sign by the end of next week. Republicans in the Volunteer State’s lower congressional chamber have drafted and passed a measure on party lines that would criminalize abortion procedures for anyone whose mother was ever pregnant.
“This ain’t about the mother’s rights. We respect them,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told reporters this morning. “But this is about protecting the rights of the zygote. And if we don’t live in a country where we investigate every miscarriage like a murder, are we really doing everything we can to protect those organisms that are literally indistinguishable from the embryos of other species? I think not!”
Tennessee’s law, should it pass through the upper chamber and get signed into law, would effectively remove abortion from the state completely. There are a few exceptions, however.
“Republican interns and third cousin incest, because if you’re gonna keep it in the family, everyone knows you gotta keep it close, first or second cousins only,” Thompaulsen explained. “Anything further back and you might as well be doinking a stranger, or at the very least someone not related to you. I shudder to think!”
The thinking behind the law is simple, Thompaulsen says. It’s all about odds.
“Chances are, if your mama-sister could get pregnant, you could too. This is just facts and science, and if’n we gotta listen to science when it comes to climate, y’all gotta listen to it on abortion,” Rep. Thompaulsen said. “So if your mama was ever pregnant, we can’t chance it, because you could end up pregnant too!”
Rep. Thompaulsen explained that he wanted to craft a law for his state that was “even more harsher and stricter” than the one that is law in Alabama. He says that “a little healthy competition between the red states to enact Sharia Law the fastest” is good for everyone involved.
“Nothing says America like freedom to religiously persecute women for making a private medical decision, fam,” Thompaulsen said.
There are further restrictions that Thompaulsen hopes to add via amendments to the bill, before final passage.
“If you have name that ends in a vowel, you’ll be restricted from having an abortion. Also, if you have name that ends in a letter between A and Z,” Thompaulsen said. “If you’re older than a minute and younger than 10,000 years old? Restricted. If you’ve ever burped, farted, sneezed, coughed, breathed oxygen, drank water, or gone to the bathroom? Restricted.”
Like other states with the new restrictions on abortion, Tennessee Republicans realize it might be difficult under normal circumstance to regulate every set of female genitals in their state. That’s why they’ve set aside money in their annual budget to start a “Badge Inspecting Vag” squad of their state troopers. The sole purpose for this new team of law enforcement will be to track the menstrual cycles of every woman in Tennessee, in order to know if they are possibly pregnant.
“Then we’ll know if they terminate that pregnancy before the baby’s born. We will not rest until every miscarriage is fully investigated,” Thompaulsen announced.
Vice President Pence is said to be considering flying to Tennessee to personally watch the new law signed by the state’s governor.
“This law gives the Vice President an enormous chubby,” a spokesperson for Vice President Pence told reporters. “So there’s a pretty good chance he’ll want to be in there in person when it becomes law.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.