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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Texas Informs Congress It Has Added “-ghanistan” to Its Name

AUSTIN, TEXGHANISTAN — For for the first time in decades, a member of the United States of America has filed the paperwork with Congress necessary to change its name on all official documents. At a ceremony marking the occasion, Gov. Greg Abbott (Q-TX) praised lawmakers in his state for “fully embracing theocratic fascism” and “signaling to every American what kind of state we are.”

“At midnight last night, the Texas State Legislature submitted Form 1469-TK421 which designated our name for change,” Abbott announced. “From henceforth, the Lone Star State will be Texghanistan, and I want to thank the lawmakers for signaling to every American what kind of state we are. A far-right theocracy in which rapists could sue their victims for aborting their rape babies. AMEN AND YEE-FUCKING-HAW, FAM!”

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Abbott then pulled out and fired the ceremonial Winchester rifle that every governor in the state has used to officially signal a new executive order was taking effect into the air.

“Now, here in Texghanistan, we will shout ‘GOD IS GREAT’ while we round up women who dare to think their genitals are their own to control,” Abbott said, a smile across his face. “Our name will match our general outlook, and let’s be frank — hopefully it will attract some folks who think like we do — that God wants them to punish non-believers and to force women into sex slavery — to consider moving here.”

Abbot indicated the decision was made, in part, thanks to a story we reported on last week. Taliban officials were reportedly looking at ways to bring Texan women over to Afghanistan by having slightly less restrictive abortion laws.

“Don’t get it twisted — we still very much so believe that women are inferior, and that God, by design, wanted men to dominate them,” Taliban leader Ali al-Anwar told reporters this morning. “We just realized that all we have to do is allow them to get an abortion if they are raped, and we will technically be more progressive than our Texan counterparts.” (AltFacts)

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) hailed the move as a “vital and important victory” and said that he fully supports it.

“You know, I’ve always thought the Taliban had the right idea. Use your personal view of God as a cudgel. Bludgeon people who don’t believe in your God, literally and figuratively,” Cruz said on Fox News. “Clearly, the Constitution protects our right to create a Christofascist state, and nothing signals to our enemies we mean deadly serious business like renaming our beautiful state in such a way as to communicate to them all where we’re at, and what they’re going to see when they set foot inside the boundaries of our caliphate.”

Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), a botched abortion herself, praised the decision as well.

“ME LIKE! ME LIKE! ME LIKE,” Greene was seen shouting into her smartphone in a new video released to her Instagram stories this weekend. “ME LIKE! ME LIKE ME LIKE!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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