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Monday, June 5, 2023

House Republican: Hillary Clinton Behind Epstein’s Death and His Dog Being Run Over While Chasing a Truck

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Tom Thompaulsen (R-AR) is convinced that former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is not only somehow connected to the death of alleged billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, who died of apparent suicide over the weekend. Epstein had been in a federal prison, but had been taken off suicide watch despite having made a previous attempt to kill himself. Since Epstein’s death, rumors that somehow the Clintons were connected to it have been rampant among right-wing media and even some politicians.

Speaking to reporters in the nation’s capital today, Thompaulsen addressed both incidents. Rep. Thompaulsen isn’t just convinced that Ms. Clinton was behind Epstein’s death — he feels that she may have been helping to cover up her husband Bill’s relationship with Epstein — and he’s got another theory that she’s behind another mysterious death.

“I’m pretty sure that Crooked Hillary killed my dog,” Thompaulsen said. “Bedford was run over this weekend, and while we’re sure it wasn’t Crooked Hillary driving the truck because the driver is a close friend of the family, we have to wonder if somehow, some way Crooked got inside my dog’s head and convinced him to chase that truck.”

Congressman Thompaulsen admits that his dog did have a tendency to chase trucks with or without Ms. Clinton’s influence. However, he says that had Bedford not been hit by a truck “so soon after” Epstein’s death, he might not have even made the connection between the two events. Now, though, Thompaulsen said the “only conclusion” is that Clinton was behind both incidents.
“Sure, he’s been chasing trucks his whole life, and we kept saying one of these days he’d catch one and not be very happy about it, but that was before he died under very mysterious circumstances,” Thompaulsen insisted. “Epstein dies and then so soon after my dog dies? I’m telling you, anyone who dies within a six week period of someone else dying who is connected to the Clintons in even a tangential way is automatically added to the Clinton Body Count, fam.”

Thompaulsen isn’t quite sure how Hillary Clinton would have even gotten access to his dog, but he says that things like “facts and logic” don’t concern him right now. 

“What concerns me is how the hell we’re going to hold Hillary Clinton accountable for literally everyone who has died, ever,” Thompaulsen said with deep concern in his voice. “Because it seems to me that it’s pretty obvious she is. Think about it. Did people die before Hillary was born? Sure. But have a lot more people died since? Of course! Why didn’t dying stop when she was born? Because she’s a stone cold killer who is also a low-energy grandma who would have literally died the first day in office from exhaustion.”

Because of his suspicions, Thompaulsen is referring his dog’s death to the FBI, but also directly to Attorney General William Barr.

“If the president’s own, personal attorney can’t put Crooked Hillary away,”Thompaulsen said solemnly, “this nation is truly lost. Forever.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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