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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Republican State Rep. Wants to ‘Defend Christmas’ by Outlawing ‘All Pagan Rituals and Holidays’

CORNHOLE, TEXAS — State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R-TX) filed paperwork in Texas this week, aiming to “outlaw any and all pagan rituals and holidays.”

Thompaulsen’s intent, he told Steve Bannon during a taping of Bannon’s podcast, was to “protect and shield the Lord God’s holy birthday from cancelation by American progressives.”

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“Steve, it’s just common knowledge at this point that liberals hate America, hate freedom, hate God, and most importantly, hate Christmas. If you ask me, it’s because we’ve let this country stray too far from God; too far from Jesus’ withering, smoldering, dare I even say, sexy as fuck, gaze, and they all act like a bunch of Pagan heathens,” Thompaulsen explained.

If adopted, Thompaulsen’s new legislation would outlaw the celebration of any holiday that “has or used to have any relationship to Pagan celebrations, rituals, or holidays.”

Years ago, Thompaulsen unsuccessfully led an effort to shut down every Taco Bell and Del Taco in the Lone Star State. He argued that any business “with that much Mexican language in their name” must have some ties to undocumented immigrants from Mexico. Rep. Thompaulsen vowed his war on Pagan holidays will not go down the same way.

“I will not rest until Christmas is out of the reach of, and safe from the influence, of pagans. How dare anybody try to usurp the beauty and wonder of Jesus Christ’s literal birthday? It’s my honor, and my duty, to protect Christmas from undue pagan influence,” Thompaulsen promised.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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