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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Tillerson Declines Trump’s IQ Test, Proposes Third Grade Spelling Bee Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  This morning, responding to rumors and a report that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him a “moron,” President Donald Trump seemed to challenge Tillerson to an IQ test to determine which man was more intelligent.

“I can tell you who is going to win,” Trump declared at a press conference. But Tillerson has declined that challenge, and instead this morning issued a challenge of his own to the commander in chief and his boss.

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Pointing to a tweet he sent mocking Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, Tillerson challenged Trump to a spelling bee. Words would be selected at a third grade level, Tillerson said. The Secretary of State said he wasn’t sure it would be “much of a contest” if Trump was asked to spell words “much above that of your average American third grader.”

“For God’s sake, the man couldn’t even spell the word ‘little’ correctly,” Tillerson said, “and don’t give me this bullshit about him tweeting in the voice of a little baby and that’s why he didn’t spell it right! Liddle and little have the same number of characters, so I’m leaning toward him thinking this is actually how it’s spelled. Or do you really think his mommy and daddy didn’t pay off his teachers his whole life so their precious little son didn’t have to feel like the obvious failure he is?”

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“I feel bad calling him a moron,” Tillerson said, “because I’m not sure he could even spell that word. Even if I gave him a head start with ‘M-O-R-O.”

Tillerson said that it’s “simply a non-starter” for him to even remotely consider the IQ test contest with Trump.

“First off, this is the thing that schoolyard bullies do. Clearly the man has serious delusions about his intellect,” Tillerson said, “and so if I challenge him to anything that exposes just how incredibly stupid he is, it’s not going to end well for me, him, or the country. That’s when you could see him nuke California in the middle of the night.”

If Trump declines Tillerson’s spelling bee challenge, he’s thought of a few more options to throw the president’s way.

“Maybe we can have a shoe tying contest,” Tillerson said, “or a making a ham and cheese sandwich when you already have the bread and ham out contest. I don’t know. Just spit balling here. I knew I’d be working for a moron when I took this job, I just had no idea I’d be forced into lame, petty contests with one.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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