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Monday, June 5, 2023

TIME Offers Trump New, Slightly Different “Participation Award”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last week, President Donald Trump got into a bit of a war of words with the publishers of TIME Magazine.  On Twitter, Mr. Trump told a story about the magazine calling him and telling him that he’d “probably” be receiving the Person of the Year award again, and wanted him to do a photo shoot with him. Trump’s tweet indicated that he turned their offer down, because he wanted certainty that he’d receive it.

However, TIME magazine pushed back on this assertion of the president’s, in their own tweet on the subject.

The feud between TIME and the president was at a stand-still until this morning, when the magazine announced it was going to offer an award to Trump, after all. The award would be called, “The Garbage Person of the Year” and would be handed to Trump because he, in the words of TIME’s assistant deputy media liaison, “is the epitome of what happens when you marry garbage and humanity.”

“Over this first year of his presidency,” Time’s spokesperson said in a statement, “President Trump has trashed the Constitution, the Senate, the Judiciary, and the media, all of which are fundamental institutions of the very American government he’s ostensibly in charge of one-third of. This alone would at least nominate him for GPOY.”

But, TIME says, there’s more that qualifies Trump to win the award outright.

RELATED: Trump Honors Tuskegee Airmen And Calls Obama “The Previous White House Ni**er”

“Mr. Trump also managed to imply that people who are zealous in their defense against Nazism are in fact as bad as the Nazis themselves,” TIME said, “and so for his ‘On All Sides’ comment, Trump is being offered this award. Though we could have spent a year or more describing all the ways in which Trump has shown himself to be a Garbage Person this year.”

Endorsing a sexual predator in Alabama instead of urging him to step aside, all in an effort to secure tax breaks for the wealthy, TIME says, would have also put Trump over the top. As would have his using of a slur against Native Americans literally in front of Native American World War II heroes.

“Frankly, we thought it would be an insult to both garbage and people if we didn’t give this one to Trump,” TIME’s spokesperson admitted.

TIME says they wanted to use this new award as a way to extend an olive branch to Trump, and perhaps put the magazine and the president back on better footing.

“The president’s ego is both legendary, and self-evidently the only thing that matters to him,” TIME explained. “So we wanted to give President Trump something so he could feel like he at least was in the running, a participation award, if you will.”

The White House has not responded to this story.

More Satire:

Town Pervert Hopes To Get Trump’s Endorsement One Day

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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