WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the most powerful toddler in the free world posted video of his interview on “60 Minutes,” which was conducted with journalist Leslie Stahl and was set to air this Sunday, robbing CBS of the exclusive he and his administration agreed to. The toddler, a 74 year old senior citizen and professional tax cheat, released the White House’s footage of the interview, believing, it can only be presumed, that it would get head of any bad publicity the toddler’s answers might create for him, once the public watched the interview.
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Earlier this week, word broke across the Internet that the septuagenarian president had cut off the interview early in a huff, complaining about the toughness of the questions Stahl asked. The video that the White House believes would cast Trump in a positive light, would seem to confirm much of the details already circulating. By the end of the video, a clearly rattled and unnerved toddler president ended the interview with five more minutes scheduled, complaining profusely about how hard he thought Stahl was on him.
“If you ask me, Lesley Stahl should be in prison for assaulting me with facts and my own record,” the man-baby told reporters before boarding Air Force One this morning. “I have been begging Billy Barr to cancel the First Amendment, because of how sad it makes me, but he keeps saying he can’t find any clause in the Constitution about how it doesn’t apply when presidential fee-fees are at stake!”
Sucking his thumb and filling his diaper, the toddler continued to rage while the taxpayers paid to have his plane fueled up and readied for his departure.
“She was just so rude to me! She kept asking me questions that any other president could be and has been asked before,” the presidential toddler shouted. “How dare she? I am not like those other cucks! I am a very well-respected pretend business success! The so-called founding fathers really screwed things up when they let people just willy-nilly have the right to speak. So many rude people in this world!”
While it’s unclear how the interview will play with undecided voters, the toddler’s usual defenders lined up to hail the decision to release it early. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) called it a “bold attempt to distract from his stupidity and lying by showing everyone how stupid he is and how much he lies.” Republican Jim Jordan of Ohio called it “one of the most important things [he has] ever not ignored like sexual assaulted wrestlers.”
Congressman Devin Nunes was more blunt.
“Watching that video made me so horny I want to fuck him even more than I did before,” Nunes said. “I can’t wait to get all inch of him in my mouth, hands, cinnamon hole, and ears! Trump 2020! MAGA! Are the cameras still on? I only need to say this shit while the cameras are on so Trump sees it and doesn’t tell everyone about my shameful secrets!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.