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Thursday, September 28, 2023

Tom Cotton Can’t Wait to Be All Up Inside Your Pussies, America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Maybe it won’t happen. In order for it to happen, not only does President Donald Trump need to win re-election, he would need to select Senator Tom Cotton over every other name on the president’s shortlist and make it through a confirmation process in the Senate. But if all those stars align, it’s entirely possible that Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas could be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America.

MORE: Trump Warns of Biden’s ‘Reckless Competency and Foolish Planning’

And he just cannot wait to get all up inside your pussies, America.

This tweet, the first official statement Senator Cotton made after the president made his announcement, shows just how much the Arkansas Republican is jonesing to get inside your lady guts, America. Under most normal circumstances, someone up for consideration for a lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court bench would try to shy away from controversial and blatantly political statements. However, much like when the excitement of all the presents the next day keeps a little child up on Christmas Eve, the thought of getting to control so many vaginae put Cotton in a state of heightened anticipation, and so he tweeted, quite simply, what his thoughts on abortion rights are.

Cotton agreed to do a short interview with us via Skype after news broke last night that President Trump would consider him as a potential candidate for the highest, most acclaimed unelected position in American government. Below is a transcript of that interview.

AltFacts: Senator, thanks for doing this interview. Congratulations are in order, right?

Sen. Tom Cotton: Well, there’s still a long road in front of us, and I could still end up not getting nominated, but I have to tell you, it’s just an honor to be in the running. I always dreamed I might one day be able to control the personal reproductive choices of literally all females, but to be this close to having that dream come true is just something I can’t quite get my head around yet.

AF: So, about that tweet on Roe Vs. Wade…

Cotton: Fuckin’ A, right?! I figure, why hide it? Why even pretend. Everyone knows who I am.

AF: And your tweet means then, that if a case comes before the court that could challenge a woman’s right to control her own vagina…

Cotton: I will do everything in my power to get all up inside those pussies and make the decision for them. I mean, quite frankly, when we did we decide that women could be trusted to make decisions about their pussies? We all know the only people with a second brain in their pants are men. That’s just completely true, biblical fact.

AF: Where would you say your obsession with female genitals started? Can you pinpoint a time in your life when you first felt entitled to control Americans’ genitalia?

Cotton: I’ve always known that women are not to be trusted, because I know what the Bible tells me about Adam and Eve, first of off. But no, there wasn’t one single thing that I remember awakening the spirit of the Lord in me, urging me to protect unborn babies I’ll turn my back on as soon as they’re born.

AF: Does that mean you’d be a single-issue justice, then? You’re only concerned about abortion?

Cotton: (laughs) Fuck no! I’m also very much interested in rolling back race relations and forcing black people to realize that they’re not ever gonna be equal as long as racist descendents of slave holders — like me — have any say about it.

AF: Woah, that’s, um, pretty racist of you, Senator Cotton.

Cotton: And?

AF: I mean…it’s 2020, and…

Cotton: Racism is as American as apple pie and lynching parties, sir. Look, I need to go, but thanks for the interview.

Supreme Court Justices are lifetime appointments. They can be impeached, per the Constitution, but to date none have ever been removed from the bench. If President Trump wins re-election, it’s presumed he’ll have a chance to select up to three or even four replacement justices, making the issue extremely important to both parties come November.

MORE: Trump Warns That ‘Biden and the Democrats Want to Rip Babies From Their Cages’

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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