LA CULERA RUBIA ARRUGADA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News has announced that one of their contributors will be on a self-imposed quarantine after she was exposed to COVID-19, the novel coronavirus at CPAC a couple of weeks ago, and they have named her replacement while she’s out. Tomi Lahren has soared to prominence over the last few years as a millennial version of Ann Coulter. Blonde and fiery, Lahren’s fast-paced rants against Black Lives Matter, Colin Kaepernick, and pretty much anything that has a center-left perspective, have made Tammy one of the most polarizing figures to come out of right-wing punditry in some time.
“TableTopTennis has been working really hard for us since coming over from Blaze TV,” Fox News assistant programming lead Hans Militante told reporters on a conference call this morning, “and we think she’s earned herself a respite.”
Militante said that the network didn’t want Lahren’s viewers to “get confused” when they didn’t see her familiar face or hear her “trademark pedantic screeching,” so his staff worked diligently and came up with someone they believe will have “many of the same familiar things TrumanShow has forced us to love so very much.”
“This broom handle here is very racist,” Militante said, “and once we put this blonde wig on it, we don’t think many of our viewers will really be able to tell the difference.”
Mr. Militante said that staff had even come up with ways to ensure that the broom handle delivers the same message in the same way that Trunklatch presents hers.
“We knew Tambale was going to be on vacation for some time because we’d planned it out all in advance,” Militante said, “so we went out into the street and recorded screeching tires from about sixty different cars. We figure if we just play that sound over an image of the broom handle’s flapping mouth, no one will be able to tell the difference.”
Reached for comment, Ms. Lahren said she was “totes stoked” that Fox News had found “such a way-rad replacement” for herself, and that she was “like, fersher, totally” looking forward to seeing the broom handle in action.
“Well one thing I know for sure is that the broomhandle,” Lahren said while pausing a nanosecond for breath, “won’t be some beta male cuck snowflake. So we’re like, totally not gonna worry about it all, y’all!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.