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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Top 3 Serial Sexual Predators Featured at This Year’s Values Voter Summit

This weekend, the Values Voter Summit is being held in the nation’s capital. In case you are unfamiliar with it, the VVS is run by some of the most religiously conservative organizations in the country. Those who attend the Values Voter Summit can expect to be given the religious conservative viewpoint on a whole host of topics from abortion, to abortion, to also abortion, and oh, probably they’ll mention something about dead babies after they mention abortion.

Now, you might think that a weekend conference hosted by the Bible thumping-est of Bible Thumpers would shy away from people who have a confirmed history of sexually predatory behavior. But you’d be wrong! Because when the Religious Right tells you they’re the “Moral Majority,” what they mean is, “We’ll abandon the majority of our morals for a political victory.” So who cares if the world is going up in flames and uncertainty is rising among the American people? SUPREME COURT SEAT STOLEN. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

In fact the Religious Right is so willing to compromise on its values that it’s tapped three prominent serial sexual offenders and predators to be featured at this year’s Values Voter Summit, and we’ve got the scoop on all three!

3 Reality TV “Star” Donald Trump

For a time in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, this guy named Donald Trump briefly resurrected a flagging public image by becoming the butt of several pop cultural jokes, and taking a hosting gig on NBC’s “The Apprentice.” Mr. Trump had largely become known as “that trust fund moron who couldn’t even make casinos profitable” and for having run several of his multi-million dollar businesses into the ground. During this time, Trump was caught infamously bragging about “grabbing” women “by the pussy,” which would certainly fall under most people’s definitions of sexual assault. And the Value Voters Summit had Trump speak this morning.

Here’s a clip of Trump, speaking at the VVS:

2 “Billionaire” Businessman Donald Trump

Also on the lineup for this year’s Value Voters Summit is a man who became known for a time in the 1970’s and 1980’s as a business tycoon. Of course, he landed himself on the map of Wall Street’s movers and shakers with the help of his probably very racist father giving him a million dollar loan. But back in that day, this Donald Trump was believed to be a very successful businessman. This is also the time period when many of his sexual conquests started, which we know about because Trump has bragged numerous times in the past about them. And again, that might seem really out of step with the Religious Right’s pious view of sexuality, but hey, at least they got a pro life candidate in the White House again…just don’t tell them Trump’s probably paid for more than one abortion in his life.

Here’s Billionaire Businessman Donald Trump speaking at the VVS:

1 “President” Donald Trump

Of course, the big “get” at this year’s VVS has to be the fact that President Donald Trump addressed the crowd. He’s the gosh darned President of the United States! I mean, sure he won on a 241 year old technicality and with the help of our sworn foreign adversary, but he’s president! And yeah, he’s said in public, gross things about his daughter Ivanka and wanting to fuck her if she wasn’t his daughter, and yeah, he’s mocked people with physical ailments when Jesus Christ allegedly healed them, and sure, he’s ripping away healthcare subsidies from millions of poor people and that’s incredibly un-Christian, but hey, you know, umm, stuff and things and such.

Here’s a clip of President Donald Trump speaking at the Value Voters Summit:

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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