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Saturday, June 3, 2023

White House Transcript of Ukraine Call Leaks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States, President Donald J. Trump, seems to be headed toward a date with either history or infamy, or perhaps both. A somber, and even at times stilted Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that she authorized a formal impeachment investigation to open in six congressional committees. It is the first time since the 1990’s such investigations have been opened against a sitting president.

At the center of the inquiry, Pelosi announced, is the president and his call to Ukraine’s president in which Trump allegedly tried to pressure an investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. While a criminal conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia during the 2016 election wasn’t proven in the Mueller Report, several instances of Trump’s potential obstruction of justice were documented. However, at today’s press conference, Pelosi didn’t mention anything about the Mueller Report. Instead, she kept her focus on the call with Ukraine’s president-elect, and whether or not Trump abused the office of the presidency in dangling financial aid and other things in front of the Ukrainian official to entice an official inquiry against Biden.

“It’s like a really dumb and obvious case of deja vu,” one congressional staffer told us. “Nancy was a little flummoxed because she was forced to actually do something just by dumb and blatant Trump was about it this time, too. She really was hoping she’d get to wag her finger hard, talk sternly, but yet avoid concrete action. That horse has now, obviously, left the barn.”

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In the course of American history, just two presidents — Andrew Johnson in the 19th century, and Bill Clinton in the 20th. Many Americans misremember Richard Nixon being formally impeached, however just as the articles of his impeachment were being readied for debate on the House floor, Nixon resigned. Many believed it was one of the few acts of selfless sacrifice Nixon made as president. 

Many of the things cited in Nixon’s articles of impeachment as offenses worthy of the Constitutional bar of a “high crime” or “misdemeanor,” Trump’s critics argue, apply to him. It’s unclear at this time if House Democrats will focus their impeachment inquiry solely on the new scandal of the Ukraine call, or if they’ll also include the allegations of his obstructing the Mueller probe and their own congressional oversight.

“Let’s be super-duper rilly rilly rill, shall we,” one staffer told us, “there are days where all Trump does is impeachable shit. Part of the problem may be picking only a few things, so you don’t bore the American people to death with what a corrupt old sack of meat and bigotry he is.”

On Twitter, President Trump was predictably unnerved at the news that he was likely headed toward impeachment. Pelosi had remained steadfastly against the move, at least publicly. However, the Ukraine call appears to have been the tipping point. Trump raged about the call to his bots and supporters.

As of the time of publication, no official release of the transcript of Trump’s call with Ukraine’s leader has been released. However, a leaked image of the transcript made it onto Reddit, from there to Twitter, from there Tinder, from there Tumblr, from there Grindr, from there RedTube, from there to here. We have decided to publish the image of the transcript. 

The White House has not yet commented on the veracity of this transcript.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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