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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Ann Coulter Still Hopes to Win Triple Crown Next Year

One horse in particular is quite sad this morning.

“I don’t know, at my age it’s starting to feel like my best days are behind me,” Ann Coulter told the press as she stepped away from the track at the Kentucky Derby. “I ran hard. It was one of the best races of my life, and I just couldn’t catch up to the winner.”

MORE: HANNITY ACCUSES BIDEN OF NEVER PAYING A PORN STAR TO LIE ABOUT SLEEPING WITH HIM

Coulter said she thinks she’s figured out what went wrong for her at the derby this weekend.

“I was coming around that first turn, when I had an idea for a really funny, super hilarious tweet where I imply that all Muslims are terrorists and Mexicans and Muslims are both the same because they start with the Letter M,” Coulter laughed and neighed. “And then I started thinking about how if I could just get my way and round up all the brown people, I’d have won today no problem because none of the other horses would have jockeys!”

By the time she finished her tremendously racist thought, the race was over, Coulter said.

“The next thing I know, it’s all over, and I’m still just standing on the track alone with my racist thoughts,” Coulter said. “It was all over so quickly!”

Coulter says that she’ll probably give it one more shot next year.

“I suppose I’ve got to get to a point where I’m content to just be racist when I’m done running races,” Coulter said. “I came to racing because it seemed just natural for a racist to race, you know what I mean? But after all these years of never quite getting the big prize, I’m just not even sure lighting a cross on fire after a race is enough to cheer me up anymore.”

She’ll make a decision whether to end her racing career by the end of the year, Coulter said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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