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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Trump’s Budget Seeks Additional $2T For “Hamberders, Covfefe, and Golf Trips”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration released its 2020 budget proposal on Monday, and while the usual team of surrogates and supporters rallied around it, many on the Hill rejected Trump’s proposed budget completely.

Some criticized it for cutting social programs.

Others criticized the math it uses for increasing spending in other areas while cutting taxes so much that it would balloon the federal budget deficit to over $30 trillion in a decade. 

But a handful of truly observant folks first noticed perhaps the most strange and different line item in a presidential budget in the nation’s history. Buried deep within its pages, which were written using President Trump’s most official crayon, is a proposal to heap another two trillion dollars into the already massive budget. The money would be earmarked for “Hamberders, Covfefe, and Golf Trips,” according to the White House.

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“Since being sworn into office, President Trump has hosted numerous state dinners and other functions at the White House that have required catering services,” the budget proposal reads, “It costs a lot of money to have Big Macs and Chicken McNuggets delivered by the gross. The Trump administration is seeking another $2 trillion in appropriations to ensure that the banquets can maintain the level of sophistication and dignity Americans have grown accustomed to during our Dear President’s tenure in office. The president would also like to be able to eat hamberders and wash them down with hot or cold covfefe whenever he sees fit, and so any surplus in this budget item would contribute in offsetting those costs.”

The same line item proposal would also cover Trump’s greens fees when the decides to go golfing. Since taking office, Trump has spent a considerable amount of time on the links, despite criticizing his predecessor for spending much less time on the course. White Senior Bullshit Adviser Stephen Miller reminded reporters when asked about this apparent hypocrisy that “Obama was black and a Democrat” so that “made it much more worser and stuff when he did it.”

“While it’s true that the president only plays golf on courses that his company owns, congressional representatives should not question this line item for several reasons,” Trump’s budget proposal states. “For starters, it’s literally illegal to question him, per his impeachment trial (TOTAL EXONERATION!). But, less threateningly, he promises that he won’t in any way overcharge the U.S. taxpayers. It just so happens that the greens fees at his courses have all gone up to two million dollars per round.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) is “completely fine” with Trump’s budget, he told the media today. Cruz said he stopped reading Trump’s budget once he confirmed for himself that the president had proposed the “exact cuts needed to punish poor people for the crime of not having money.” Senator Cruz also addressed another couple issues while had the reporters’ attention.

“Now, Donald wanted me to also say a couple things unrelated to the budget. Given that I am completely shameless and obsequious,” Cruz continued, “let me just say this again: my wife is fucking GNARLY looking. Like, she’s ugly. As sin. And my dad totally tried to help kill JFK. Also, I’m Lyin’ Ted now. Please call me that, or continue to use my other name, Trump’s Bitch. Thank you, and God Bless the Republican Party.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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