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Friday, February 3, 2023

Updated Rankings Show Trump Still 45th Most Intelligent Ex-President

Every four years, Americans go to the polls and cast their vote for president. Then, if the candidate who loses the election also loses the traditional post-election insurrection, a new president is sworn-in. If the incumbent wins either by way of votes or violently overthrowing Congress, they remain in power.

This process has repeated itself dozens of times over the last 245 years, leaving the United States with a string of chief executives stretching from George Washington to Joe Biden. In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the National Institute of Presidential Intelligence. Its mission? Charting the intellect and intelligence of each person who sits behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Every time a new person is elected as president, the NIPI does a study of various data models, and re-ranks the presidents based on who is most and least intelligent.


For many years, President Millard Fillmore was considered the least intelligent president. Fillmore famously tried to fit a square peg in a round hole for fifteen minutes before giving up. Then, President George W. Bush held the title of Dumbest Former President, and it seemed like he might not ever relinquish it.

Then, though, America was treated to four years of President Donald J. Trump, and according to a new NIPI report, he just knocked Bush down a peg.

“After crunching the data, and running various numbers, we can report that Donald J. Trump is the 45th most intelligent man to ever hold the Oval Office,” NIPI Spokesperson Katie Kleinsen told reporters today. “In all honesty, we only needed two data points — injecting bleach and staring at an eclipse — and we had what we needed. We are a thorough, science-based organization, though, and we did our peer reviews and due diligence.”

Kleinsen said it’s impossible to predict the future, but she believes Trump may hold the title for “many decades to come.” Still, Ms. Kleinsen says there could be “ample opportunity for stupider people” to slide Trump out of the top bottom spot.

“Had Sarah Palin won the Vice Presidency with John McCain in 2008, who knows? She might have taken the taco for the rest of all eternity,” Kleinsen wondered aloud. “And there’s always a chance that Lauren Bobo woman or Mango Craycray Greene could run, and if either of them won, they might skew our data for eons.”

Former one term, twice-permanently impeached President Trump couldn’t be reached for comment.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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