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Monday, December 5, 2022

Med Tech Company Develops “Trump 5000” Ventilator With Built-In MAGA Hat

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A company that specializes in designing medical technology announced this morning that they will release the Trump 5000 Ventilator later this year. Gadget-Med’s Chief Media Officer held a press conference this morning and gave reporters some key details and insights about the Trump 5000.

“Gadget-Med is extremely excited to announce the upcoming launch of our Trump 5000 line of ventilators,” CMO Cynthia Bobinthia said with a big smile on her face. “Not only will they have the most modern of medical technological advances; they’ll be tailor made for the population most likely to use them — Deplorables.”

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The Trump 5000 will offer patients several options that Bobinthia said will “make the post patriotic of fascist comfortable” as they “draw their final, machine-assisted, racist breaths.”

“The nose piece is equipped with the ability to pump several smells favored by Deplorables into their nostrils,” Bobinthia excitedly explained. “Gravy, gun oil, their cousin’s pussy. You name it. There’s no reason that patients should feel as completely safe and comforted as possible while they live out the final, painful moments of their ignorant, neo confederate lives.”

In addition to the various scents that patients using the Trump 5000 can enjoy, Bobinthia indicated that every single unit will have a built-in MAGA hat.

“The hat will be adjustable to fit both pinheads and fat heads who love the former president enough to skip a life saving, free vaccine,” Bobinthia said. “Because it’s really just Deplorables filling up our ERs and clinics with COVID-19 cases, we thought it might be a nice amenity for our new machines. Ventilators we sell in Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida will also have an option for a white hood instead of the MAGA hat.”

Gadget-Med says they’ve already sold hundreds of ventilators throughout the Bible Belt.

“Our sales have already been brisk,” Bobinthia divulged, “and when the model that will also have a feeding tube that shoots horse paste down patient’s throats is released, we believe those numbers will double, perhaps even triple.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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