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Trump Says He’d Have Acknowledged Four Dead Soldiers in Niger if Country Had ‘Less Obama-ish Name’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump explained to reporters that he’d have had a much more conspicuous response to the ambush attack on U.S. forces in the African country of Niger that left four soldiers dead had the country they died in been named something different.

“All I’m saying is that I kind of instinctively ignore anything related to urbans,” Trump said, “so if the country those brave young men lost their lives in had been named anything with a less Obama-ish name, I’d have been making remarks before their bodies were shipped back home.”

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On September 11th, 2012, with just weeks left to go in the election between then President Barack Obama and Republican nominee Mitt Romney, Al Qaeda forces stormed a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya, resulting in the exact same number of deaths of U.S. citizens — four. Over the next four years, Congressional Republicans spent millions of dollars investigating the event, often times floating theories that Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton abandoned their duties during the deadly attack. Heretofore, no such calls for investigations in the Niger ambush have been made by any Republicans in Congress or anywhere else.

“I’m just trying to say that, while I am completely not racist in any way, shape or form,” Trump went on, “I kept seeing the word Niger in my briefings and thought it was just another bullet item about something the last president messed up. And believe me folks, I have a bigly list of those things.”

The Niger attack was reported by mainstream media outlets on October 6th, 2017. It wasn’t until ten days later that Trump wrote condolence letters to the families of those killed in action. President Trump took heavy criticism for tweeting more about kneeling NFL players than he did about the soldiers who lost their lives. At one point, Trump erroneously told reporters during a press conference at the White House that Obama didn’t call the grieving families of lost personnel.

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“You can’t blame me for this, okay,” Trump said of his slowness to issue any tweets or statements about the ambush in Niger, “because I’m just an old school guy okay? I don’t mind urbans that are playing professional athletic sports. I don’t talk down to the urbans that shine my shoes or open doors for me. But in general, I ignore the plight of the urban community, and only really pay them attention when I’m tweeting racist crime stats or berating urban athletes for not standing up during the national anthem.”

Mr. Trump said that he hopes Congress “does the right thing and ignores this attack like they have every other obvious violation of the oath of office.” He also gave reporters a list of names Niger should consider renaming itself.

“You want to know what they could’ve named themselves to get my attention,” Trump said, “something like Trump. Or Trumpistan. Trumplandia. Trumpaloo. Trump Land. Trump-a-ding-a-dee-da-dee. Or Ivanka. That name always gets me to, you know, PERK UP, in all the right ways.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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