WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a new interview with Fox News host Maria “Fartin” Bartiromo, President Donald Trump attempted to make his closing argument for reelection one more time.
The election cycles’ waning days are drawing to a close. In less than 48 hours, he could know his fate, and it was apparent that Trump is keenly aware of that fact. During the interview with Bartiromo, nicknamed “Fartin'” by her colleagues because of her love of chilli inspiring her to eat it for lunch every single day, Trump pleaded with his base to “convince or, even you know force” a few friends or relatives to vote for him. Trump told his supporters to remind people that he is a “bigly pretend-successful business mogul” and that’s what the country will need to recover from the economic calamity facing the economy if a more robust response to the coronavirus isn’t developed and implemented.
“Maria, look, I have to think that for most people, they see a thousand people dying a day and, like me, they understand that means we’re rounding the corner,” Trump said. “We’re turning the corner on the CHINA VIRUS in the same way that up is down, deserts are homes to the world’s greatest lakes, and my family is still allowed to operate charities in New York!”
Fartin’ Bartiromo smiled and nodded in agreement.
“Yes, Mr. President, your balls really do smell like strawberries,” Bartiromo said programmatically, in a dull, flat monotone. “Also, I am very impressed by your very good talking way of speaking. It is make much sense and you are obviously very stable genius.”
“Maria, thank you! Thank you for those very kind and off-the-cuff compliments. I am quite intelligent, thank you for noticing,” President Trump said. “Look, Maria, the bottom line here is very simple. Sleepy Toe Teepy Mo Meepy Bo Beepy Biden can’t handle this job. He’s so weak he uses one hand to drink a glass of water! And I’ve heard he doesn’t even snort a single narcotic before rage tweeting at 3am and stuffing a whole large pizza down his face. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like he’s pretty LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!”
Trump and Fartin’ Bartiromo high-fived, audible gas expelling from both of them.
“And look, Maria, these Democrats, and their vicious, evil, mean partners in the press? They won’t report the truth to the people, that’s why I have my social medias,” Trump explained. “The truth is, and I’ll say it right here, Maria. The truth is that when you look at countries called the United States, we’re doing the best! If that isn’t the best argument for keeping me another 4, 8, 15 years, whatever? I don’t fuckin’ know what is!”
Another high five, and another explosive bout of mutual farting was heard.
“We’ll be right back,” Bartiromo said, teasing in the next segment as she did, “with my exclusive interview with the guy who knows a guy who talked to the computer repair shop’s landlord about Hunter Biden’s laptop’s hard drive’s manufacturer’s warranty! You will not want to miss this, folks!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.