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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Trump Asks Barr If Democrats Can Be Stripped of Their Citizenship

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Poll after poll is starting to paint a grim, dismal picture of this fall for President Donald Trump’s re-election bid. While the president himself keeps pointing to his own internal polls — which he won’t share with the media — showing him beating former Vice President Joe Biden,  in truth Trump is lagging far enough behind Biden that states like Texas, Arizona, Florida, and even Georgia seem much more winnable for his opponent than Trump would likely care to admit.

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Angst about the election is probably at least somewhat driving the president’s demands that states stop making it easier for their citizens to vote by mail. In the middle of a national health crisis in which which the COVID-19 virus has still yet to be abated, President Trump has stepped-up his attacks on mail-in voting. For the record, the president, vice president, press secretary, and other key, high-ranking Trump officials have voted by mail in recent elections.

Now, word is that President Trump has decided to hedge his bets in another fashion. If he cannot convince or lawfully order states to stop their mail-in voting, reportedly Trump is interested in stripping registered Democrats of their citizenship. This, Trump has argued privately, would all but ensure he wins in the fall, as without the votes from Democrats, all Biden could count on would be the support of so-called “Never-Trumpers,” conservative Republicans who abandoned their party when Trump was elected.

While pacing around the White House lawn awaiting a helicopter ride to McDonald’s, President Trump announced that he had been having “bigly long and important talks” with Attorney General William barr, and has asked for Barr to “look into” an idea he’s had to secure the election.

“I’ve asked Billy to do me a favor and look into whether or not I have the power to strip people of their citizenship based only on their registered political party,” Trump boasted. “If I can’t ban mail-in voting, what other options do I have? That’s what I want to know. I think I could make a court-type argument that, you know, since I’m the President of America, I get to pick who is one of my subjects, and right now I’m not feeling Democrats are worthy of being Americans.”

President Trump asserted that he has the right to strip Democrats of their citizenship based on a few historical precedents, and his belief that Barr’s “unitary presidential power” theory is correct.

“First of off, Billy says I can. So let’s just get that out there. He says I can, take it up with him,” Trump said. “I just think that if you’re not voting for the AMERICAN president, you’re voting against him, which means you’re prolly a Democrat in this case.”

The right to vote is afforded to every U.S. citizen in the U.S. Constitution. Trump, however, when asked about that, didn’t seem to care much, or see that as an obstacle.

“In my view, you’re not really American if you vote for a Democrat anyway,” Trump said with a shrug, “so, you know, whatever.”

On the Hill, the president’s supporters backed his plan.

“Obviously if this were, I’m just spitballing here, a black Democrat proposing a similar thing I’d be outraged and appalled,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, the crotch of his pants blackened from fucking a literal lump of coal, said as he arrived at work this morning. “That’s not what we have here, though. In this case, it’s a good, clean, all-American, white Republican president overstepping his authority and frankly I can’t get my lips to his ass fast enough in that case!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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