WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before “anyone makes any permanent decisions” on the issue, President Donald J. Trump wants to meet with Aunt Jemima to discuss the situation. Reportedly, Trump has asked someone he said he considers his “best and most loyal urban” to set up a meeting with himself and the pancake syrup corporate mascot. Sources say Trump is desperate to look like a winner who can negotiate deals on behalf of his base, and he knows how badly seeing a corporate branding change could upset his followers.
“This morning the president was made aware of a situation that he considers to be his top priority,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters today, “which he is frankly grateful for because the whole pandemic and weeks of civil unrest thing is really starting to drag him down and make him sad. As you all know, he signed an executive order in 2018 making it totally full-on illegal to make him sad or hurt his feelings.”
McDitzydick reported that within minutes of finding out that Aunt Jemima’s parent company would be rebranding with a new name and logo, the president was on the phone with Dr. Ben Carson, the medical professional he put in charge of housing. Trump was sure that Carson being an African American would be “close personal friends” with Aunt Jemima. McDitzydick hinted that Trump is aiming to use Carson’s relationship with Jemima to renegotiate a different outcome, or at the very least get Jemima to choose a new name that won’t trigger his base.
“The president assumes that they all know each other. They must all be friends,” McDitzydick said. “So, yes, President Trump is hoping that his good friend Ben Carson can help him work out a different arrangement with Aunt Jemima. Maybe they can just change the name to Mrs. N-Word’s or something, but I don’t want to get ahead of the president so I’ll leave it there.”
Dr. Carson has reportedly already reached out to Jemima’s people. Sources are also telling various media outlets that the president would like Carson to “convene a round table” of other African American corporate icons and logos.
“We’re being told that Uncle Ben and Mrs. Butterworth will be attending the meeting,” one source close to the president was quoted as telling staffers today. “So we should make sure we have plenty of chairs. He might even invite other mascots who aren’t black, such as Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians, if Carson can learn to speak Indian before then.”
Sean Hannity praised this development as “literally the most important thing to ever happen in America.”
“If this doesn’t prove that he’s not racist, then I don’t know what will satisfy the Woke Mob,” Hannity said. “Apparently not renting to black people, taking out a full-age ad in the New York Times demanding innocent black people be executed, and then hounding the first black president for his birth certificate just because he’s black permanently brands you a racist now. WHATEVER.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.