WASHINGTON, D.C. — Overnight, authorities in Austin, Texas identified, and attempted to apprehend the suspect in the deadly spate of serial bombings in the suburb of Round Rock. After a chase that ended in the suspect’s car driving off the road, police attempted to approach the vehicle, but an explosive device was detonated, knocking back one police officer, and killing the suspect. The suspect’s death will hopefully bring an end to the chilling series of bombings, that seemed to target African-American families in Austin, though authorities have posited that the suspect may have had accomplices.
Not much detail has been released about the alleged Austin Bomber’s identity, only that he was a 24-year old white man, and his name. We are withholding the suspect’s name out of respect for the families of the victims. Reportedly, President Donald Trump has been kept abreast of all the developments, and upon hearing the news of the suspect’s race and age, flew into a tirade.
“Wait just a goddamned minute! Just wait right there,” Trump reportedly shouted in the Oval Office. “You’re telling me this terrorist bomber wasn’t a Muslim? Are you sure? Was he an illegal Mexican at least?”
Trump’s Chief of Staff, John Kelly, just nodded his head, “No.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, John. It just makes no sense,” Trump said. “Only two kinds of people become terrorists or commit murders — Muslims and illegal Mexicans.”
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders put down her cup of dipping cheese and assured Trump that, in fact, the Austin Bomber suspect was a white man. She said she also didn’t initially believe the reports, and asked Austin’s police chief to confirm the details. As shocked as she was, Huckabee Sanders said, with cheese flecked sausage falling from her chin, it was true and the suspect was a white male.
“How does a nice white do this? It makes no sense,” Trump kept going. “And I tell you what — I bet that he was forced into it. I bet someone put a gun to his head and made him make those bombs. Probably an illegal Mexican, or a Muslim. One of them.”
The room fell silent. No one knew what to say to the president. Trump, sensing no one’s unease, barreled on.
“Look, I’m no detective, but I am a dick. So let me just throw a hypothetical scenario at you all, and you tell me if you think I’m onto something,” Trump said. “Okay, check it out. Here’s what happened. Barack Obama was born, in Wakanda, and George Soros immediately kidnapped him for Muslim programming. Then, he goes and somehow gets elected president.”
Trump took a deep breath, and continued his conspiracy theory.
“So once he becomes president, he tries to get In God We Trust off the currency, take away our guns, and send us to FEMA camps to get force gay married,” Trump said. We all know that is 100% true fact. But since the Republicans were so vigilant that whole eight years, he couldn’t get any of it accomplished, which made him really mad. And you know his, um, TYPES get when they get mad right? I mean, just look at the Watts Riots, that’s all I’ll say.”
Farting loudly, Trump kept on talking.
“Then, he hires either an illegal Mexican or Muslim, who then plants this white kid in Austin, gives him training in how to bomb people like ONLY MUSLIMS OR ILLEGAL MEXICANS, and bing-bang-boom, you’ve got yourself an Austin bomber,” Trump said, smug satisfaction as apparent on his face as the melted chocolate and gravy was on his press secretary’s. “My work here is done. If you need me, I’ll be in my real office the rest of the day.”
Trump was last seen heading toward the bathroom with his smartphone, loading up Twitter, for his ritual of a pre-golf game “dumper,” as he reportedly calls it.