WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following testimony from the Inspector General and the FBI director on the Hill, President Donald Trump is demanding FBI agents immediately forfeit any and all negative personal opinions of him.
During his testimony, Inspector General Horowitz confirmed text messages between FBI agents in which they referred to President Trump as a “fucking idiot” were discovered by investigators. This development seemed to outrage many Republican Senators. Mr. Trump reportedly became enraged while watching the testimony.
“FUCKING IDIOT?! They called me a fucking idiot,” Trump demanded incredulously. “How dare they call me an idiot? I’m not an idiot. Would an idiot have been able to stare right at a solar eclipse? Would an idiot have asked a black reporter if she’s BFFs with all the blacks in Congress? Would an idiot, I dare say, pretend he’s not racist after spending nearly a decade hounding the president for a birth certificate just because he’s black?”
Trump seethed. He pressed a button on the Resolute Desk and within moments a case of Diet Coke was ushered into the Oval Office. Then, reaching into the special hot drawer he had installed, the president retrieved a bucket of KFC and started devouring it. With chicken bursting forth from his cat’s puckered anus of a mouth, he shouted at his staff.
“I wanna know who thinks I’m an idiot,” Trump yelled. “Not in the FAKE NEWS media, I mean who out there among the plebs, the common folk. Who out there thinks I’m a fucking idiot? Get on the phone and start calling people and ask them if they think I’m an idiot. But don’t tell them you’re calling from the White House, i want their unbiased opinions, because I bet hardly anyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot.”
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders ran out of the room, nacho cheese trailing behind her, determined to do her master’s bidding. Two hours later, she came back, her head hung low. She didn’t have good news for her boss.
“I don’t have good news for you, Boss,” Huckabee started. “I called 100 people, and I asked them if they’d use the word idiot to describe you. The results are less than favorable. They’re pretty bad, actually, Mr. President.”
Mr. Trump set down the woman he’d been grabbing by the pussy, and looked up at his press secretary.
“What, did like, every single person say I’m an idiot or something, Sarah,” Trump asked.
Huckabee shook her head.
“No, not everyone,” Huckabee said.
“See? I fucking TOLD you, Sarah! I fucking told you – ”
Huckabee Sanders interrupted her boss.
“93 of them did, sir. 93 of the 100 people I called said you’re an idiot,” Huckabee said flatly. “So, well, most of them.”
Trump was incredulous, but hopeful.
“That leaves seven though, Sarah. Seven supporters,” Trump said. “I’ve got hope! There’s still some hope left!”
A crestfallen Sanders told Trump some more bad news.
“Not quite sir,” Sanders said. “Four of those seven I had to leave a voicemail for, two of them died last night. And the one that was left? Apparently I called Eric’s candy cell phone by mistake so I don’t really think he counts.”
Trump seethed again. The rage built in him until he chucked a Diet Coke can across the room, shattering a window and falling outside the White House, spewing soda everywhere.
“Would a fucking idiot cause a constitutional crisis that requires a special counsel investigation less than six months into the first year of his term,” Trump asked with indignation. “Would a fucking idiot pull us out of a concrete nuclear peace treaty because his base doesn’t like it, but tout a meaningless document signed by people who renege all the time on their commitments to denuclearize?”
His anger still bubbling, Trump continued.
“Let me ask this — would a fucking idiot imply that literally every person coming here from a certain other country is a criminal rapist, murdering drug dealer? Would a total and complete fucking idiot start a trade war with our neighbors and drive up costs on the working class voters that elected him,” Trump demanded. “That’s it! I hereby order all FBI agents to surrender their personal views to the government for the duration of their tenure with the bureau! IT IS HEREBY PRESIDENTALLY DECREED!”
This story is developing.