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Monday, June 5, 2023

To End Abortion, President Trump Bans Pregnancy Tests

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of President Trump’s most loyal bases of support comes from the conservative evangelical community. Some have wondered just how it was that a man with three wives, several mistresses, and untold scores of sexual encounters with women he was not married to became the favorite candidate of a party that is ostensibly in favor of “traditional family values.” However, for whatever their reasons, the fact remains that evangelicals still largely support Trump, and without them, his chances this fall would appear to be quite bleak.

Throughout his term, Trump has made decisions and put forth policies specifically aimed at pleasing the religious right, but he started that relationship earlier, by selecting High Priest Reverend Mike Pence as his Vice President. Since being sworn in, Trump has attacked Planned Parenthood, and tried to position himself as being extremely pro-life, despite his past. Today, perhaps owing to polls that show his support evaporating in other demographics, President Trump signed an executive order that is unmistakably a signal to his evangelical base.

MORE: Trump Claims Support of the Silent But Deadly Majority

“Today, on this histrionic and impotent day,” Trump announced, “I am signing this executive order, and in doing so banning all pregnancy tests in the United States of America. I hereby order, from this point forward, that nobody be allowed to take or administer a pregnancy test. For obvious reasons, this order doesn’t impact people peeing on things, or on each other in a Moscow hotel room.”

If the president’s order withstands judicial review, which in and of itself Trump labeled as a “treasonous judicial branch coup” and “flagrant checks and balances,” American companies would be forbidden from manufacturing pregnancy tests. Doctors would face stiff jail sentences if they give someone a pregnancy test. Women who take pregnancy tests will be taken to FEMA camps and be forced to sew MAGA hats as punishment for their crimes against the president’ ego.

“Does anyone know how happy I’d be if Eric and Don Jr’s mom never told she was pregnant with them? I mean,” Trump rambled, “maybe this is my best idea yet. Have you all ever thought of that? Talk about a great way to make sure we end abortion! You can’t get an abortion if you’re not pregnant, and you’re not pregnant unless a test says you are. So, bingo-bango, I just did a great thing, and you’re all very welcome.”

The subject of abortion isn’t a new one to Trump, and certainly not during his presidency. As we reported last June, President Trump acknowledges that he’s paid for women to have abortions on his behalf. However, he also said he regrets not having his son, Donald Trump Jr, aborted “before it was too late.”

“Every single one of those abortions I paid for I feel bigly sad about,” Trump told reporters. “I could’ve had another kid! Another beautiful kid! Maybe another Ivanka! Ooh! A younger Ivanka! Fresh Ivanka…Crisp Ivanka…mmmm.” (AltFacts)

Trump’s executive order on abortion does seem to conflict with verified, peer-reviewed data that this publication also reported on. A study published last year showed that 100% of abortions are none of your fucking business.

“In every abortion procedure we researched, we found they don’t impact you, your mother, your priest, your brother, your husband, your congressional representative, your senator, and indeed, even your president, unless you happen to be the one having the abortion, and is therefore by the longstanding definition of the term,’None of your fucking business,'” Dr. Maychee told reporters a press conference announcing the results of the study. (AltFacts)

If Trump’s order on pregnancy tests does bring down the number of abortions performed in the U.S. to zero, Trump says he has “other ideas” he wants to try.

“I will ban pap exams to cure cervical cancer, and ban smoke alarms to fight arson,” Trump said. “Because I’m the one who has all the bigly best brains and the ideas that come with those brains!”

MORE: President Trump Accuses Obama of Putting ‘Sharia Antifa Hex’ on Tulsa Rally

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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