WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States of America warned his citizens today that if his political opponents defeat his re-election bid this fall, they will “empty all the baby cages.”
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“Let’s just put all the cards on the table, okay? Because I know the Nancy Pelosi Angry Democrat Antifa Squad AOC left media won’t report it the way I demand they do,” Trump shouted at reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “Sleepy Po Peepy Biden would be a disaster on so many levels. Too many to name, really. But one bigly level is that he’d shut down my beautiful border camps, with all those brown babies in them!”
Trump insisted that any efforts to reunite the migrant families his policies separated at the border would be a “dangerous attempt at compassion” and a “flagrant restoration of human decency.”
“If the America people want to live in is one without concentration camps and caged children,” Trump bellowed, “then I think that’s an America I personally don’t want to live in, and I bet there are at least a few dozen million like-minded racists and misanthropic sociopaths who agree with me. I call them my beautiful MAGAs!”
The president’s supporters have made attempts to deflect “blame” for the fact that thousands of children remain separated from their parents in camps on President Obama. They claim that because Obama was the one who built the “cages” at the center of the controversy, that he is just as morally reprehensible as Trump is for filling them. However, of note is the fact that the Obama administration never intended to separate families into the cages, and rather only planned to temporarily house minors who came unaccompanied across the border there.
“I’m the law and order guy, okay? That’s why I break all those laws. So that I can re-ORDER them in a way I like,” Trump said. “And the fact is that all those brown babie are hardened, hardcore criminals! They broke the law! And to show how dangerous they really are, some of them broke the law before they could talk, or even walk!”
In somewhat related news, the Government of Mexico has agreed to pay for copies of pro-Biden fliers to be put on the Mexican side of Trump’s border wall. Each day, thousands of people commute to and from Mexico from the United States, and Mexico’s government says they’re willing to put up pro-Biden fliers on their side of the wall, encouraging Americans who travel to their country to work to consider voting for the Democratic nominee. Trump famously promised that Mexico would pay for a new border wall’s construction.
“We maintain our position that Mexico will not ever give a single cent for the construction of Trump’s wall. However,” Mexico offered, “we will gladly pay to have Joe Biden 2020 posters printed and affixed to our side of the wall. There are thousands of Americans who legally come to our country each day to work, and we’re sure some of them may still be on the fence about who to vote for. We’d love to help nudge them in the right direction.”.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.