WASHINGTON, D.C. — If Americans do not re-elect him this fall, President Donald Trump warned that they will be “forced to live under Sleepy Po-Peepy Biden’s reckless competency and foolish planning.” This, Trump argued in the Oval Office today, “would be the end of America as MAGA knows it.”
“I have tried from the very moment I pretended to take the oath of office,” Trump shouted, “to run this country like I ran every business I’ve ever owned or operated, and that is right from the depths of my own asshole. No planning. No forethought. Just do whatever it is I want, whenever I want, and my parents could bail me out again if I fuck up, which I never do, so no biggie.”
The president mocked Biden and his running mate, Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA) for “thinking they can plan and prepare for shit.”
“What, do they think things would have gone better if I had put an actual plan in place or something? Cucks,” Trump said emphatically. “Nerdy cucks. BOOM! LIBS OWNED!”
Trump reached into the Resolute Desk, pulled out a six-pack of Diet Coke and some BBQ wings he keeps in a drawer for when he “needs to snack and think,” and started eating and drinking. As he spoke, bits of food and soda flew from his mouth and onto the desk. Without saying a thing, Congressman Matt Gaetz would appear from behind the desk, bend down, and lick up the bits of Trump’s spittle, food, and drink, and then quickly scurry back down under the desk.
“Flying by the seat of your pants isn’t even good enough, if you ask me. Bush did that, and I think, frankly, he’s a cuck bitch,” Trump said as he crushed up a pile of Adderall with President Lincoln’s Bible, snorting a fat line once it was ready. “FUCK YEAH THAT IS THE STUFF, FAM! I choose to lead in a better way; I don’t fly by the seat of my pants. Because I don’t wear any pants to begin with, do I ‘Vanky Baby?”
Trump shot finger guns over at his First Lady and daughter Ivanka, who had been sitting quietly, filling out Chinese trademark and patent paperwork, in the corner.
“That’s right, President Daddy! You’re the best,” Ivanka said with a wink, while uncrossing her legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, “You really, really, really are, President Daddy!”
The president began rubbing his crotch region and moaning a bit as he spoke, clearly still thinking about his daughter uncrossing her legs.
“So, um, anyway, guys, um,” Trump stammered, “just keep that in mind in November, okay? If Sleepy Joe the far left puppet gets in control, it’ll be way more worser than me, the far right puppet! For one thing, you can forget about having no plan and being incompetent!”
Trump leaned over in his chair and farted incredibly loudly.
“Man I miss Sarah Huckabee when I fart. She would let me blame them ALL on her,” Trump laughed. “Now, if you want to live under Biden’s reckless competency and foolish planning, that’s on you. But you’re already taking a risk breaking the law by not voting for me — Billy Barr said — so making a biglier mistake by voting for Sleepy Po-Peepy? That’s just crazy. And believe me, I know crazy.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.