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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Blames Democrats for Impeaching Him Instead of Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump and his most vocal supporters in the media have started to launch a new line of defense of his administration’s efforts to combat the coronavirus — blame the Democrats. Perhaps, this is not all that new a tactic, given that Trump is no stranger to slinging partisan mud, especially from his Twitter account. In fact, Mr. Trump, while in the midst of battling the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, attacked Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in a tweet.

In recent days, Trump and others in his circle have insisted that because Democrats went forward with impeaching him last year, and because the ensuing Senate trial took until February to conclude, that they are to blame for the COVID-19 outbreak being worse than it otherwise could have been. It’s unclear whether Trump is arguing that he was distracted and unable to focus on more than one event at a time. Last night, Fox News host Sean Hannity took to the airwaves and signal boosted the same talking point — blaming Democrats for the coronavirus outbreak because they insisted on impeaching President Trump.

“All I’m trying to say,” President Trump howled at reporters as he stalked back on forth on the White House lawn this morning, “is that maybe if the Democrats had wanted to help the country, they wouldn’t have tried to hold me accountable and keep my power in check by balancing it with their own. Maybe they should have thought about impeaching coronavirus instead. But, no! They had to go and get all offended that I leveraged the office of the presidency to coerce a foreign government into interfering in our elections and impeach me for it! Why aren’t you all asking them why they did that to your dear president?”

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President Trump said it’s “entirely unfair” that Democrats felt it was more important to “make sure [he] wasn’t acting like a lawless a-hole reality-TV dictator” than to help him defeat the coronavirus.

“Look, folks, it’s really simple. It was entirely unfair of them to impeach me, when they could have impeached coronavirus instead,” Trump insisted. “They were the ones telling everybody the Constitution gives the sole power of impeachment to the House, which they control. So why didn’t they impeach coronavirus instead of me? Didn’t they consider a virus that could kill hundreds of thousands more dangerous than the president who only wishes he could kill the millions of people who are jerky mean cucks for not treating him like the God King Emperor he is in his own fragile mind? You’ll have to ask them why they chose to impeach me just because I don’t give a fuck about laws, the Constitution, or anything other than making myself rich and avoiding the consequences of my actions.”

Trump’s attacks on Democrats come just a day after AltFacts reported that his administration would begin tracking and reporting deaths from coronavirus separately from deaths from Democratic hoaxes.

“As we all remember, the president referred to the initial coverage, and frankly hysteria, about the coronavirus a hoax, which it, like, totally was or whatever,” Grisham explained. “That being said, we know our Dear President’s supporters might get confused by the death toll, given that he was so adamant it was all an overblown hoax. So the president, in his infinite and ever-expanding wisdom, decided to break it up into two categories — coronavirus deaths, and hoax deaths.” (AltFacts)

“As long as there is a political party opposed to me, I will do everything in my power to blame anything that even looks like it’s a failure on my part, or the part of my administration, on that other party,” Trump said. “A lot of people tell me not to say this stuff out loud, that politicians never say this stuff out in the open. But I tell you this — who cares? I can and will shoot some people on 5th Avenue later, and my base won’t care. My approvals will go up, bigly. So, what was I saying? Oh, right, fuck the Democrats, go me, whatever. God bless blah blah blah.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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