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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump: “Bob Mueller Shouldn’t Testify Because He’d Exonerate Me Way Too Much!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump lashed out on Twitter over the weekend at the idea of FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller testifying before a House committee later this month.

Word broke in the last few days that congressional Democrats were seeking to secure the testimony from Mr Mueller on around May 15th. In a pair of tweets, Mr. Trump blasted the idea of Mueller testifying, saying that Dems are simply looking for a “redo” on Mueller’s investigation, which could not establish a criminal conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia during the 2016 election, and ultimately led a long trail of evidence of Trump’s guilt on obstruction of justice, despite not fully recommending an indictment, citing long standing Department of Justice guidelines against charging a sitting president.

In the past, Trump had said that he didn’t have any issue with Mueller testifying. Attorney General William Barr told the Senate Judiciary Committee he also didn’t mind Mueller speaking to Congress. But Trump’s tweets seem to portray a sudden about-face, leaving some on the Hill wondering if there’s anything Barr and Trump are still trying to keep from the American public. Both the attorney general and president insist that Mueller’s report exonerates Trump, despite the fact that even the redacted version of it specifically says Mueller’s team was unable to exonerate Trump, and only that a criminal conspiracy with Russia couldn’t be proven to a legal standard.

The jockeying over what, exactly, the Mueller Report says could be made moot by testimony from Mueller. There are many speculating that is the precise reason why his testimony is now something Trump doesn’t want out in public view. This morning, House Democrats took their first steps toward holding Barr in contempt of Congress for not providing the unredacted Mueller Report along with the underlying evidence, as they had subpoenaed for last week.

On his way out of the Oval Office for a lunch break, Trump was stopped by the press pool on the White House lawn. The president was asked by reporters why he’s not in favor of Mueller testifying any longer. Trump explained that he doesn’t want people to “get the wrong idea.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, Mueller’s Angry Democrat Witch Hunt Hoax Coup totally exonerated me,” Trump explained. “But I’m afraid if he testifies, he’ll say stuff that makes me sound too innocent, know what I mean? Bob Mueller shouldn’t testify because he’d exonerate me way too much!”

Trump said that the same reason he doesn’t want the unredacted Mueller Report released is the same reason he doesn’t want Mueller testifying.

“My personal attorney general already told everyone all the good stuff. NO COLLUSION. NO OBSTUCTION,” Trump said. “If Mueller goes and tells Congress what he found in his own words, he could just end up drowning out Bill Barr, and making it seem that I’m, like way, way, way too innocent, know what I mean? Of course you do. I don’t ever know what I mean, but you guys do.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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