NEW YORK, NEW YORK — “We’re goin’ on a bear hunt, Daddy,” Eric Trump shouted into the phone in his hand, the excitement exploding from his voice.
On the other end of the line, President Donald J. Trump was in the middle of executive time, but had decided to take the call from his middle son anyway. Usually, the president prefers to sit on the toilet and rage-tweet in solitude during this part of his day, but the current state of affairs in the country left him wanting for some kind of distraction, sources are saying. So, when he saw Eric’s number pop up on his iPhone’s caller ID, he answered it.
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“That’s great son, just great. But it’s still winter time, and I thought the bears would be hibernating right now,” President Trump told his son. “Where are you going to find bears you can hunt?”
Eric was so excited he kept shouting.
“RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK, DAD,” Eric yelled. “Donald Jr. called me last night and said the stock exchanges are now bear markets! At first I thought that meant we could go to one and buy a bear, and I was really excited because ever since you hired that woman to take me to go see Jungle Book I’ve always wanted to have a real-life bear friend like Mowgli and Baloo. But Don Jr. said he thought it meant we still had to go hunt our own bears.”
Both of Trump’s sons consider themselves to be avid hunters. The president’s oldest son, Don Jr, is an outspoken hunting rights advocate. The Trump boys have taken part in several big game hunts, and finding pictures of them posing with their rifles and trophies on the Internet isn’t a very difficult task.
“That’s great, Eric. That’s just great,” Trump said. “I had no idea that the New York Stock Exchange had a bear problem, but I’m glad that you and your brother are there to handle it. As you know, I’m quite busy pretending to lead this country, and this coronavirus thing is really becoming a pain in my ass.”
Eric told his father not to worry because he and Donald Jr would “do such a good job bear hunting” on Wall Street that his father could focus all the energy he needed on the coronavirus response.
“Daddy, you just put your faith and trust in Don Jr and me,” Eric insisted to his father. “You much more important-er things to worry about than Dow Jones bears. You handle that Toyota Corollavirus, Daddy, we’ll handle the bears!”
The State of New York, having gotten wind of the Trump boys’ plans to hunt bears on the New York Stock Exchange, have issued a statement reiterating the policy that no firearms are allowed on the trading floor, or within the building itself, except by trained, certified, law enforcement agents.
“While we are pleased that the Trump Boys have found a shiny object to hold their attention and that will keep them off social media and reduce the number of ignorant, racist, or idiotic ideas on the Internet temporarily,” New York’s official statement reads, “it might comes a complete and total shock to almost no one, but we have no fuckin’ clue what these two fuckin’ idiots are talkin’ about, because they’re aren’t any fuckin’ bears roamin’ around the fuckin’ stock market. Thanks for your fuckin’ attention, you mooks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.