NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Never shy about a business venture opportunity, the presidents’ two midly cogent older sons, Eric and his brother Donald Trump Jr., announced today that they are opening a franchise of funeral homes in the wake of the novel coronavirus pandemic outbreak. Trump Boys Mortuaries will cater to “MAGA supporters who have lost a loved one to the Chinese virus,” the brothers announced in a statement from their press office.
“There are thousands of Americans who have died as a result of this virus, which our daddy couldn’t have done anything about even though he was warned about it months before it got to America,” the Trump brothers’ press release states, “and if anyone knows anything about the Trump family, it’s that enriching ourselves is the thing we do best, and if it means leveraging a tragedy, then that’s all the better for us. If we don’t take advantage of all the dead bodies piling up, really, who will?”
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Trump Boys Mortuaries will begin opening their franchises beginning later this week, it was announced. Each mortuary will offer amenities and features designed bring comfort and peace to people who are both supporters’ of their father’s presidential administration, and to “other, gardien variety racists and idiots.”
“You don’t have to be a MAGA lover to use our services, because we designed our business model around the grieving racist moron, no matter which political party you belong to,” the press release states. “Just don’t be surprised if you walk out of our mortuary feeling comforted, but also fired up to vote for Dear President Daddy.”
Because of their business model, Eric and Donald Jr. say they “very bigly support” their father’s efforts to get the country back to working at full capacity sooner rather than later. The quicker Americans get their economic activity back to normal, Trump Jr explained, the more money he and Eric stand to make from their new business. That, he argues, is “good for the Trumps, but gooder for America.”
“Some businesses are all about ABC, but we’re all about ABG — always be grifting. It’s true, if we rush back to work before we have testing and a vaccine, we could be right back where we are now,” Donald Jr admitted, “but the big, key difference is that we’ll be even richer than we are now. And, I think that’s pretty important.”
While it’s stated several times in their press release that being a Trump supporter is not a prerequisite for using their mortuary’s services, there will be discounts offered to the bereaved who show up at a Trump Boys Mortuary wearing their MAGA regalia.
“Show up in a MAGA hat, and you get 15% off, but if you show up in your MAGA white hood and robe,” the brothers announced, “you can take an additional 10% off!”
In order to fund the initial startup costs of a chain of funeral homes, Donald Jr and Eric applied for and got a loan using the CARES Act, just signed into law. As part of the act, billions of dollars were set aside for small businesses so they could stay afloat and, hopefully, keep paying their employees’ wages. However, the Trump brothers decided they should “also get to have some” of the stimulus money, too.
“Our daddy’s signature is on the checks! If that doesn’t mean it’s technically HIS money, and that he can give it to whoever he wants, then I don’t know what it means,” Trump Jr. said. “Then again, I literally don’t know what much of anything means, especially when my dentist is telling me about my overbite, or my plastic surgeon is explaining why I’ll never get rid of my chronic jizz face.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) tweeted his congratulations to the Trump brothers on their new business venture. When Graham was asked by a talk radio host about whether it was appropriate for the Trumps to use taxpayer funds to open their business, given how much their father has attacked Joe Biden’s son Hunter for taking a Ukrainian gas company executiveship, Graham laughed for several minutes nervously. When he finished laughing, he answered the question.
“That’s different. It’s just plain different. How is it different you might ask,” Graham replied, “well, I’d tell you, but I haven’t figured that out quite just yet. But I can tell you, from my vantage point, I see no problem with it, whatsoever.”
There was a slight pause as Graham thought a little more.
“Also from my vantage point, I can see the president’s testicles,” Graham divulged. “So, if anyone has the right point of view on this, I think it’s me.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.