“That’s it! THAT IS IT! THAT IS EEEE-NOUGH!”
The shouts were heard reverberating around the White House, just after the president’s fourth breakfast of the day. Even the mountains of pancakes, the piles of bacon, and the bucket of pulverized Adderall he consumed could keep him calm. President Donald Trump had lost it, blown his stack as one might say, and he was ready right there and then, to take drastic and unprecedented action.
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Just minutes after his screams were heard, Trump appeared on the White House balcony and began to shout at the press from above.
“I HEREBY DECLARE, IN FRONT OF GOD AND VLADIMIR PUTIN THAT I — PRESIDENT DONALD JOHN TRUMP — AM SUING AMERICA,” Trump screamed, “THAT IS EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY FUCKING STATE. EVEN THE ONES THAT CHOSE ME, BECAUSE CLEARLY THEY DIDN’T CHOOSE ME HARD ENOUGH, AND LIKE, NOBODY SHOWED UP TO BE PART OF MY TRUMP ARMY ON ELECTION DAY, SO FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF YOU STUPID CUNTS!”
Trump then showed the press a slip of paper on which he wrote, in crayon, “I AM SUING ALL YOU CUNTS!” Then, he stuffed the paper down the front of his pants, rubbing it on his reportedly unimpressive genitals. Taking it out of his pants, Trump then wadded it up, and threw the paper down from the balcony at the reporters down below.
While it should be noted that there is no “president throws crumpled piece of paper” provision in the U.S. justice system that lets lawsuits be filed in this way, Trump did not show much concern for that fact.
“WHAT REALLY MAKES ME MAD IS THAT I FUCKING WARNED BILLY BARR! IT TOLD HIM, FLAT OUT,” Trump shouted, “THIS WHOLE ELECTION THING SOUNDS LIKE A BAD IDEA. IT SOUNDED ILLEGAL, FRANKLY, TO GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE TO CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE! I AM PRESIDENT AND I GET TO MAKE UP THE RULES! WHO IN THE FUCK TOLD THESE ASSHOLES THEY GET TO TRY AND FIRE ME AFTER JUST FOUR YEARS ON THE JOB?! IT USUALLY TAKES ME AT LEAST SIX YEARS TO COMPLETELY TANK ANYTHING I RUN!”
Ultimately, Trump blames the country’s system of government for the necessity for the suit he “filed.”
“WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THIS JANKY-ASS VOTING SHIT ANYWAY,” Trump demanded. “I WAS TOLD THIS IS A LIFETIME APPOINTMENT!”
It’s currently not clear what, exactly, Trump’s suit is seeking. Because it’s simply one sentence, and doesn’t contain anything a lawyer might recognize as legal jargon, it’s also not apparent at this time which jurisdictions, if any, will take up the suit. However, Trump does have one loyalist willing to help shop it around.
“I HAVE INSTRUCTED RUDY TO GET HIS HANDS OUT OF HIS PANTS AND GET THIS LAWSUIT DELIVERED TO ALL FIFTY STATES, PRONTO,” Trump yelled. “WE WILL NOT LET THE DEMOCRATS STEAL THIS ELECTION WITH LAWFULLY CASTED BALLOTS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.