WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since taking office, President Donald Trump has taken an often times hostile and combative stance toward China.
The alleged-billionaire has accused China of currency manipulation in the past in an attempt to weaken the U.S. economy and siphon jobs out of our country into theirs. Trump has been locked in a trade war with China, both countries battering each other with tariffs, for months. The impact of the tariffs on the economy, particularly in the agricultural sectors, have not all been positive, however. During an early morning hot dog break this week, Trump made perhaps his most aggressive, if not quizzical, accusation about China to date.
Mr. Trump accused China of being a “Chinese hoax.”
“Look, I’m not saying this means something,” Trump told reporters he hastily assembled in the White House break room, “but I have it on good authority, from some of my top people. And remember, my people are the best. Report that accurately, media. I have the best people, okay? I hire the best Yes Men and Please Don’t Touch Me There Women money can buy…well, assuming I pay them, which I don’t always do. That’s a tried and true business approach, not paying your bills. Anyway, where was I?”
The media pool reminded Trump he had been talking about China.
“Oh, right, China,” Trump said, “so check it out…have any of you actually been to this so called China? I keep hearing about China, but I have to wonder, is China even real?”
The reporters looked around at each other with puzzled looks on their faces.
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“Because I’m about 95% sure that China is just a Chinese hoax,” Trump said, “or even a left-wing, George Soros-sponsored fake news story. Because sure, we’ve seen pictures from alleged locations in China. And we’ve read about ancient Chinese civilizations dating back centuries, and I’ve literally visited there during my presidency, but, well what does all that mean, anyway? This is the Trump Era, baby! Truth is subjective, and mostly not necessary.”
When asked for evidence to his claim, Trump shrugged.
“I don’t know, someone on some Interweb message deal thing said something,” Trump said, “or maybe it was Stevie Miller when he’d gotten back from the tailor — he’s having his white robes let out — or you know, someone else on my staff. Who cares? The point is China’s probably a hoax. Bip-bop-bope, go Trump, know what I mean?”
The press did not know what he meant.
“I’m sensing you guys don’t follow me,” Trump said, “so let me explain this super easy to follow concept one more time, okay? Okay. So, China’s a hoax, perpetrated by China to make other countries believe it exists. Clearly it doesn’t, even though billions of people allegedly live there, and I myself have visited there. But I mean, have you been to Harry Potter world in Florida? I swear, it’s like they made all that magic shit that happens in the movies in real life. So how do we know that China’s not just some elaborate amusement park in Florida, is all I’m trying to say here, guys. See? Really simple concept. China’s an American amusement park.”
No one in the Chinese government could be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”