WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump is growing more and more desperate to hold onto power. Since losing last month’s election quite decisively once all the votes were counted, Trump has waged war on the election itself, baselessly claiming there was widespread and rampant fraud and cheating on behalf of the Democratic Party. However, in more than 50 court cases filed by or on behalf of the Trump campaign, he has yet to rack up more than one win, and no significant number of votes have changed.
Trump’s Twitter feed has become a litany of complaints and disinformation, with nearly every single one of his tweets labeled by Twitter itself as containing false or disputed information about the election.
Tweets like the one seen below have become extremely commonplace from Trump’s account. He usually posts the exact same content at the same time on Facebook. Neither platform has chosen to just silence or suspend his account while he is choosing to destabilize the country.
“Donald Trump won by a landslide, and they stole it from him!” @seanhannity
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 10, 2020
This morning, it appears that Trump’s desperation has reached a depth that heretofore it has not before. Just moments ago, the outgoing, lame duck, one-term, never-won-the-popular-vote president strode out onto the White House driveway, where he said he intends to live in an RV while Joe Biden is president, and told the American people was ready to concede defeat in the election, but to also claim “alternative victory” in what he called the “alternative election.”
“Today, I officially concede that I lost the actual election — which was highly rigged against me even though my party won seats in the House and generally didn’t do as badly as I did — to Sleepy Toe-Teepy,” Trump announced, “however, I will also at this time take the opportunity to declare alternative victory in the alternative election which means I will stay president in the alternate reality in which all of that is true. Thank you, and I look forward to staying your president literally forever, even after I’m dead.”
Trump agreed to take a couple questions. He was asked how Americans might be able to tell the difference between his alternate reality and the reality they actually live in. Laughing so hard he farted, the president explained his theory.
“If you believe that the most deeply unpopular president of all time, the guy who could never get a legit poll to show his approval rating over 48%, would win in a landslide,” Trump said, “you live in my alternate reality. If you believe tax cuts for the wealthy trickle down, Iraq had WMD, and that I’m a good businessman with large hands and a normal penis, then you are in the alternate reality with me. If you think ten trillion illegal votes were added by Mexicans working for the Chinese government on behalf of George Soros and Bill Gates, you will be in my cabinet next term.”
Joe Biden will become the country’s 46th president on January 20th, 2021, though scholars say Trump is entitled to whine about that fact for the rest of his life.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.