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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump Paid the President of Florida to Take Cognitive Test for Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the situation are reporting that President Donald Trump attempted to pay someone else to take a recently administered cognition test for him.

MORE: Eric Trump Joins In The Fun: “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV, Doggy, Kitty, Baby, Rainbow, Money for Kids With Cancer…”

In Mary Trump’s recent tell-all about her family’s role in shaping the man her uncle is, she retells a family story about the president paying someone to take his SAT tests when he was a student about to graduate high school. In a new development, some are whispering that he may have tried to get someone else to take his cognition test in his place. The test became a subject of debate after the president did an interview on Fox News with Chris Wallace, and proudly boasted the he “aced” the test, after Wallace pressed him on his attacks on former Vice President Biden’s mental state.

The words “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV” were on many people’s lips and minds after Trump bragged about the final portion of his cognition test.

“Late one night, President Trump picked up the phone on the bedside table in the president’s residence in the White House,” one anonymous source told us, “and asked the switchboard operator on duty at the time to patch him through to the President of Florida. He was connected instantaneously because that’s the kind of hard working people this administration employs.”

When President Trump was told by the operator he was “on the line” with Florida’s president, he launched right into a proposal, our source claims.

“Good! Glad you were awake and could take my call,” President Trump said warmly. “Nice to know I’m not the only man willing to burn the midnight adderall for the people he serves! Anyhow, I was wondering, Mr. President of Florida, sir, would you be willing to do me a favor, though?”

This development comes on the heels of another related story we reported last week. Apparently, the president’s third most intelligent male crotch fruit was feeling “left out of all the fun” that everyone was having repeating five words, and decided to join in. However, Eric Trump also added many of the “big boy words” he knows, as well.

“He’s a sweet, simple boy,” one witness told us. “How in the hell could he know so many words? We don’t dare ask him to be quiet. His Majesty the King has made it quite clear how important it is that we keep all his children from throwing tantrums. That right belongs only to him, and we shall not forget it as long as he’s High Emperor King God President.” (AltFacts)

Trump proposed that the President of Florida be the one to take his cognitive test. In exchange for helping him out, President Trump would make it worth the President of Florida’s time. It’s unclear how much Trump offered Florida’s president, but it was enough to secure his participation in the scheme. It was settled rather quickly; the President of Florida would take Trump’s cognitive test for him.

“Just leave me enough time to make sure it’s in my name and not yours,” Trump warned. “You know what would happen if I tried to pass off my test in your name? I’d be ridiculed and made fun of. You wouldn’t want that would you? WOULD YOU?!”

MORE: Palpatine Blames ‘AntiSith Anarchists’ for Use of Death Star on Alderaan

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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